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THE SPECIMEN A Short Screenplay By Stephen Bittrich click here to see the film!
459 Columbus Avenue, #240
New York, NY 10024
Tel: (212) 579-3015
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2002,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: September, 2002)
"THE SPECIMEN"
By Stephen Bittrich
1 EXT. THE "HAPPY FAMILY" FERTILITY OFFICE - STREET - DAY
CLOSE UP on sign which reads "HAPPY FAMILY FERTILITY CLINIC.
CLOSE UP on our hero, ROGER, slight look of dread upon his
face, as he reads the sign and enters the office.
2 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - RECEPTION/WAITING AREA - DAY
Entering the waiting room, Roger notices instantly a LESBIAN
COUPLE and an attractive, serene, one-with-the-universe
PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN who doesn't even look up.
Behind the reception desk is NURSE BUCHET, a tough cookie,
wearing a name tag. She is reading a copy of Cosmo. Roger
clears his throat, and she looks up from her magazine in no
real hurry.
NURSE BUCHET
Yes?
ROGER
Yes...hello...Miss...
He tries to focus in on her name tag.
NURSE BUCHET
(pronounced Boo-shay)
Buchet. It's French.
ROGER
Ah, lovely. I'm, uh, I have an
appointment here today to...to drop
off...for a deposit.
NURSE BUCHET
Name?
ROGER
Roger Hanjorg.
She checks her roster and announces too loudly--
NURSE BUCHET
Semen analysis.
Everyone in reception looks up.
NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D)
Fill this out.
She tosses him a clipboard stacked with papers. He sits down
and begins filling out forms.
Someone in the other room MOANS loudly. Roger looks up
sharply, but everyone else ignores and continues to read
their magazines.
A macho, FERTILE looking GUY comes out of the main office
with his arm around a very pretty-in-a-slutty-sort-of-way
girl we'll call GUM GIRL.
From Roger's POV, CLOSE UP on GUM GIRL's pouty lips as she
puts her gum back into her mouth. Fertile Guy and Gum Girl
exchange knowing laughs as Fertile Guy hands Nurse Buchet a
very large specimen cup. She holds it up to the light. It's
filled to the brim with a white lotion-esque substance.
NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D)
Nice.
The man grins like the Cheshire Cat, kisses Gum Girl's hand,
and is on his merry way. He smiles at the Pretty Young Woman
in the waiting area on the way out. She smiles
back...impressed.
Strangely, Gum Girl doesn't leave with the man. She sits
beside Roger while he fills out forms. He tries to catch her
eye, but she's already filing her nails.
NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D)
Hanjorb?
Roger jumps up and goes to the counter.
NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D)
Room's free now. You need some
assistance today?
Roger looks at Gum Girl, who smiles at him.
NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D)
Hello?
ROGER
Sorry? Some...
NURSE BUCHET
Some assistance?
ROGER
Well, I think I can...what kind of
assistance...
NURSE BUCHET
I got Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler,
Legs, Barely Legal, Big Ass Momma,
Spank Me Please, Daddy...and Oui.
(she winks at him)
ROGER
Uh...
NURSE BUCHET
...or perhaps...le cinema. May I
recommend Best of Blow Jobs Two?
ROGER
Two?
NURSE BUCHET
Like Godfather 2, one of the few
sequels that surpasses the
original.
ROGER
Really...
NURSE BUCHET
Or maybe you need more hands on
assistance.
He looks again to Gum Girl who does not look up from her
magazine.
NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D)
Woohooh! Over here, Big Boy!
She starts to put on rubber gloves.
ROGER
Best of Blow Jobs Two, please.
Everyone in the reception area looks up.
Nurse Buchet clunks down a video and a HUGE specimen cup on
the counter.
NURSE BUCHET
Down the hall to your left. Sure
you'll be all right there,
Sidewinder?
She pops her rubber gloves.
3 INT. FERTILITY OFFICE - OUTSIDE MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY
Roger looks at the sign outside the door which says "Male
Collection Room." A SEXY VOICED NURSE passes by--looks
knowingly at him.
4 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY
Roger sticks in the tape...Nurse Buchet is on the TV!
4B INT. THE PORNO SET - DAY
Nurse Buchet and Goat Boy introduce the tape to come.
NURSE BUCHET (ON SCREEN)
Welcome, to Best of Blow Jobs 2
or...Naughty Circus Freaks. Meet
the star of this episode, Jasper
the amazing goat boy.
4 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY
CUT TO: Roger looking horrified.
He struggles to pop out the tape. He can't find the eject
button. Instead he increases the volume.
5 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY
There are GOD AWFUL TORTURED GOAT sounds coming from the
back. The people waiting, especially the pretty young woman,
look up from their reading, horrified.
Nurse Buchet smiles contentedly.
6 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY
Roger finally pops out the tape. He grabs a magazine.
"LET'S PLAY DOCTOR." NURSE BUCHET is on the cover holding a
riding crop. She seems to wink at him. He blinks his eyes
to make sure he didn't imagine it.
He throws down the magazine. He sits back, tries to
relax...and begins.
Outside the office, the sounds of people laughing, going
about their business. The door is very thin. The leather
seat that he's on is squeaking. It's very difficult to
concentrate. He stops, breathing heavily...exasperated.
He can hear the Sexy Voiced Nurse he passed in the corridor
talking to a friend.
SEXY VOICED NURSE
(part in brackets is faded
in)
[Our love making was an exquisite
culinary morsel, he]...threw me on
the kitchen counter...both our
bodies covered in olive oil...
This is just what Roger needs, and he goes to work.
SEXY VOICED NURSE (CONT'D)
...he worked with the precision of
a sushi chef...his manliness
glistening in the candlelight...
[and then, just when I thought it
couldn't get any more intense...]
She goes out of range.
ROGER
Oh, come on!
Roger, with a new, "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead"
attitude, doubles his resolve.
The leather seat really squeaks loudly.
7 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY
In reception they all hear the squeak.
8 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY
Roger finally is getting toward the end of his mission. His
hand fumbles around for the collection cup. He can't grab
it.
ROGER
Oh God! Oh! Shit!
With great difficulty he gets a hold of the cup.
9 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY
Images of Nurse Buchet and the Gum Girl dancing cheek to
cheek in a lesbian tango abound in his head. Goat Boy plays
the fife.
10 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY
CLOSE UP of his hand holding the cup and a miniscule dribble
of lotion-like liquid spatters on his hand.
ROGER (CONT'D)
Oh for Christ's sake!
His hand quickly scrapes the diminutive portion into the
large cup.
11 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY
Roger hands Nurse Buchet the sample. She looks at it and
smirks.
NURSE BUCHET
Sit and wait for the results, Mr.
Hand Job.
ROGER
Hanjorg.
12 INT. MONTAGE - FERTILITY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Time passes.
Quick montage of Roger waiting...
...the clock turning...
...patients leaving...
...and Roger falling asleep.
He dreams of Nurse Buchet, all the women in the waiting area,
and Goat Boy circled around his specimen cup, laughing at it.
It's a terrible nightmare.
Someone taps him on the shoulder.
He awakes to find the sexy voiced nurse from the corridor.
The reception area is now empty.
SEXY VOICED NURSE
Mr. Hanjorg?
ROGER
Yes?
SEXY VOICED NURSE
(after a mini beat)
Your boys can swim.
MUSIC: Hallelujah Chorus.
Roger jumps up. He kisses the nurse.
Nurse Buchet, impassive behind the reception desk, looks up
briefly from her Cosmo. He salutes her, and she gives him a
half-hearted salute back.
13 INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE FERTILITY OFFICE - DAY
In the hallway, Roger confidently strides on the way to his
next destination. The Hallelujah Chorus continues to play.
Women look at him differently now. They smile in admiration.
They seem to know his special secret...his boys can swim.
FADE TO BLACK.