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ROOM TO LET A Short Screenplay By Stephen Bittrich
459 Columbus Avenue, #240
New York, NY 10024
Tel: (212) 579-3015
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2000,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: September, 2001)
"ROOM TO LET"
by Stephen Bittrich
FADE IN:
EXT. FRONT PORCH OF CHUMLY HOME - DAY
A sign in the window: "ROOM TO LET."
EXT. FLOWER GARDEN IN THE CHUMLY BACK YARD - DAY
A perfect garden. A perfect little house. A perfect day.
EXT. FLOWER GARDEN IN THE CHUMLY BACK YARD - DAY
FELICITY CHUMLY, the perfect Martha Stewart wife, is planting
petunias in her garden. BILL CHUMLY, the picture of the mid
life crisis, comes around the side of the house dressed in a
dapper suit with his briefcase.
BILL
Off to work, honey.
FELICITY
Good-bye. Home early?
BILL
Hope so.
FELICITY
I've got my church meeting tonight. I
may have a prospective boarder.
He leans over and gives her a kiss.
BILL
That's nice. Bye then.
FELICITY
Bill...your shoe's in the dirt.
Bill hops to get out of the garden and shakes off his foot in
an almost exaggerated way.
BILL
Sorry, honey. Toodle-ooo.
Felicity rakes out the place where Bill's shoe pressed down
the soil as Bills leaves.
EXT. SIDE OF THE CHUMLY HOUSE - DAY
Bill whistles on his way to work.
EXT. FLOWER GARDEN IN THE CHUMLY BACK YARD - DAY
At various times of the day while the sun shifts on the
petunias.
EXT. FRONT YARD OF THE CHUMLY HOUSE - MID-DAY
An elderly couple passes the house and looks briefly at the
"ROOM TO LET" sign. They shake their heads, somewhat in
disgust.
EXT. FLOWER GARDEN IN THE CHUMLY BACK YARD - NIGHT
Flower garden at night.
EXT. FRONT YARD OF THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
Bill comes through the white picket fence, his tie
considerably loosened, though still whistling a happy tune.
He makes his way up to--
EXT. FRONT PORCH OF CHUMLY HOME - DAY
He hears voices coming from the living room window. Two
women laughing. He makes a half-heartedly attempt to peer
through the curtained window, but can't easily make out who
is talking. He enters the front door.
INT. LIVING ROOM IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
BILL enters the living room, to discover Felicity talking and
laughing with a very lovely Russian woman with a thick
Russian accent, PETRA.
PETRA
(laughing)
--then he follow me around like a love
sick puppy dog for three week after.
Men!
Felicity notices Bill.
FELICITY
Oh hi, Bill!
PETRA
Hello.
BILL
(a bit befuddled)
Hello...
FELICITY
Bill, this is Petra, um...
PETRA
Greshensky. Pleased to meet you.
BILL
Uh, likewise.
PETRA
Look how tired, you. From big day of
workink.
FELICITY
I met Petra in my church group. She's
from Russia.
BILL
You don't say...
PETRA
Yes.
FELICITY
She was in the circus.
BILL
Really.
INT. CIRCUS FANTASY - DAY
Bill imagines Petra in the guise of a trapeze artist.
INT. LIVING ROOM IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
Back to present--
PETRA
I train the lion.
BILL
Scuse me?
Petra makes the SOUND OF A WHIP CRACKING.
BILL
You don't say.
PETRA
I do say.
BILL
Honey, do we have any refreshments?
FELICITY
Or course we do...
Felicity rises from the couch and follows Bill into--
INT. KITCHEN IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
They speak in whispers.
FELICITY
Bill, you're not going to drink are you?
BILL
Russian Lion Tamer? Wowee.
FELICITY
Bill, please...
BILL
What about a little vodka for our guest?
Don't want to be inhospitable, do we?
FELICITY
You promise not to get drunk?
BILL
Felicity, I don't get drunk. I get
festive and...jocund.
FELICITY
Do you like her? She came to the United
States as a Russian Mail Order Bride, and
her husband was abusive. So she came to
the church for help. She has no place to
stay.
BILL
Oh Pumpkin, not another stray kitten.
FELICITY
Talk to her. She's really yummy!
INT. LIVING ROOM IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
Late into the evening, the three visit. Bill is ever so
"jocund" after about three drinks and openly flirts with
Petra.
BILL
--so I told the doctor, swear to God,
"Can I go back and play the end of the
game?"
Petra laughs. Felicity has heard this about fifty times.
BILL (cont'd)
"Can I get back into the game?" Right?
And he says, "Well, why don't you wait
until I've stitched you up and see if you
still feel the same way!"
PETRA
How many steetches you get?
BILL
Forty-seven.
PETRA
Oh my God!
FELICITY
You get more and more stitches every time
you tell the story.
BILL
Felicity, please. It was forty-seven.
It's always been forty-seven.
PETRA
I have scar once when lion bit me.
BILL
You don't say! I'll show you mine, if
you show me yours.
PETRA
Show!
Bills puts his glass which only has ice left on the edge of
the table but misses, and it drops on the floor.
BILL
Ooopsies!
FELICITY
Bill!
He begins to roll up his pant leg.
FELICITY (cont'd)
Bill, it's getting late. Petra is
probably very sleepy.
PETRA
Yes, and it's long trip back to church.
BILL
Nonsense, you should spend the night.
PETRA
No, please, it's inconvenience--
SAMANTHA
Of course you should stay--
BILL (cont'd)
I'm sure we could lend you what you need.
PETRA
I don't want to be bother--
BILL
Look, it's late, you've had a few drinks--
(laughing)
--I've had a few drinks...so you have to
stay. We'll fix up our daughter's old
room for you.
PETRA
Well, if it's not imposition.
BILL
Nonsense. Let me...let me find a
blanket...
FELICITY
(to Petra)
He doesn't always drink like this.
PETRA
It's okay. Man should drink.
INT. MADISON'S ROOM IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
Bill and Felicity make up the bed.
FELICITY
(softly but
forcefully)
I can't believe you got drunk in front of
my church guest.
BILL
She's a Russian trapeze artist slash mail
order bride. She's probably had a few
vodkas in her day.
FELICITY
You were flirting with her... pulling up
your pant leg...like some drunken frat
boy.
BILL
She asked me too. Are you having trouble
with the fact that I am one sexy
specimen? That another woman might find
me attractive?
FELICITY
Oh please--
PETRA KNOCKS on the door and enters.
PETRA
Very pretty. Beautiful room.
FELICITY
This is our daughter's room.
She's...she's not with us any more.
PETRA
I'm sorry. Very sorry.
(picking up
a photo)
This is her?
FELICITY
Yes. She was killed in a chainsaw
accident.
PETRA
What is chainsaw?
BILL
Do you need some sort of, some sort of
pajamas?
PETRA
No. Don't you know what Russian Circus
women sleep with?
BILL
Um...scuse me?
PETRA
Ha, ha. Joking. Can I have glass water?
BILL
Sure. I'll get you some.
He leaves. Petra touches Felicity's arm.
PETRA
Thank you for you home.
(beat)
I feel like family.
FELICITY
Good night.
INT. THE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY OF THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
Outside the bathroom, the SOUND OF THE SHOWER can be heard.
INT. BEDROOM OF THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
The clock reads 1 AM. Neither Felicity or Bill can sleep.
They can hear the shower from their room.
FELICITY
She's been showering for thirty minutes.
BILL
Must be very clean.
FELICITY
Must be very wasteful. Don't they ration
water in Russia?
INT. A RUSSIAN SHOWER FANTASY- DAY
A big Russian hand rations one meager cup of water to Petra
in her Lion Tamer's outfit carrying a whip and towel.
INT. BEDROOM OF THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
Back to present--
BILL
(letting out a big
sigh)
Good night.
He puts a pillow over his head.
INT. KITCHEN IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - DAY
Bills comes in rubbing his temples the next morning.
Felicity is sitting at the kitchen table with a note in her
hand.
FELICITY
She left a note.
BILL
Who?
FELICITY
Petra. Says she has a job today, and
she'll see us tonight.
BILL
Tonight? Did you invite her to take the
room already?
FELICITY
Well, not, not officially. I mentioned
that she should think of the church as
her family. I said we wanted to help
her.
Bill checks the cookie jar.
BILL
Did you take the cookie jar money?
FELICITY
No.
BILL
It's gone.
FELICITY
Bill...let's not jump to conclusions.
BILL
Honey, honey, honey, you just can't help
all the stray little kittens of the
world. Look, just, just be firm with
her. It's fine to help her, but don't
let her take advantage of you. Be firm.
INT. ENTRYHALL IN CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
The doorbell rings, and Bill answers it. VLAD, very stern
and Russian is in tow.
PETRA
Hello, Bill.
BILL
Hello, Petra.
PETRA
I am back. You got note?
BILL
Yes, we did.
PETRA
This is Vladimir.
BILL
Pleased to meet you.
Bill offers his hand, but Vlad just nods.
BILL (cont'd)
Well, Felicity's in the kitchen. Um,
come in.
PETRA
You see, Vlad? You see how good American
people?
They cross the threshold.
BILL
May I take your coats?
Vlad gives Petra a concerned look.
PETRA
(sighing)
Vlad will keep coat.
INT. CIRCUS FANTASY - DAY
Petra in Lion Tamer's outfit whips Vlad on all fours--in his
coat.
INT. DINNING ROOM IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
The four are sitting at the table eating.
FELICITY
More beans, Vlad?
Vlad ignores her.
PETRA
This is wonderful meal, Felicity.
FELICITY
Well, thank you. It was a reciped
inspired by our former boarder, Nygen, a
lovely Vietnamese girl...who finally got
enough of us, I guess. She left without
a word.
CLOSE on Bill looking at Petra.
INT. CIRCUS FANTASY - DAY
Petra wearing an Asian robe...and carrying a whip.
INT. DINNING ROOM IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
Back to present--
BILL
(muttering)
Just another stray Felicity was trying to
help...
INT. UNDER THE TABLE - NIGHT
Felicity nudges him under the table.
INT. DINNING ROOM IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
Felicity shoots Bill an embarrassed look.
PETRA
And now you lookink for new boarder, yes?
FELICITY
Vlad, what do you do? Vlad?
Vlad looks down at the table.
PETRA
Vladimir is...how you say...puppet with
big nose...
BILL
Eh?
PETRA
Red nose, you know.
FELICITY
A clown?
PETRA
Yes! Clown!
Close on Bill looking at Vlad.
INT. CIRCUS FANTASY - DAY
Vlad as clown is up on a box like a trained lion might be.
Petra as Lion Tamer yells at him, though there is no vocal
sound.
INT. UNDER THE TABLE - NIGHT
Petra's hand grabs Bill's leg.
INT. DINNING ROOM IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
Bill's eyes grow large. Petra smiles at him.
VLAD
(in Russian, staring at the
table)
This is all horseshit.
PETRA
(in Russian)
Quiet!
FELICITY
What did he say?
PETRA
He never be so happy. He like you.
FELICITY
Oh...that's nice.
(beat)
Shall we retire into the living room for
desert?
PETRA
Yes, good. Vlad will help you.
(in Russian)
Help her, idiot. And smile.
Vlad smiles broadly at Felicity.
INT. KITCHEN IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - DAY
Felicity is getting plates for desert. Vlad looks around the
room. His eyes start with the cookie jar where the money was
and travel about the room.
FELICITY
I hope you like creme brulee.
Vlad smiles at her again--forced. Martha Stewart magazine on
the counter with a story detailed on the cover titled: "The
Perfect Creme Brulee." At first glance, it might almost
appear to say, "The Perfect Crime."
INT. LIVING ROOM IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
In the dark, on the couch, Petra on top of Bill kissing him
on the neck.
INT. CIRCUS FANTASY - DAY
Bill is now wearing the Clown's outfit, and Petra, the lion
tamer with a whip.
INT. LIVING ROOM IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
Back to present--
FELICITY (O.S.)
It's dark in here.
The lights go on. Petra has moved from on top of Bill to
beside him. Bill, however, is disheveled an woozy.
FELICITY (cont'd)
Creme brulee?
Vlad enters from the hallway entrance.
FELICITY (cont'd)
Did you find the bathroom, Vlad?
Felicity starts to serve them. They all sit around the
coffee table.
FELICITY
notices a bit of lipstick on Bill's collar. She then looks
to
PETRA'S
lips which are ever so slightly smeared. Same shade of
lipstick.
FELICITY
turns back to her cheery self instantly.
FELICITY (cont'd)
Darn it, I forgot the coffee! Everyone
for coffee? Anyone for tea?
PETRA
Coffee.
VLAD
Da.
FELICITY
Bill?
BILL
Eh?
INT. KITCHEN IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - DAY
The coffee percolates. A hand takes it out of the coffee
maker and starts pouring it into cups on a tray.
INT. LIVING ROOM IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
Bill, Petra, and Vlad sit uncomfortably. Petra smiles
occasionally at Bill.
PETRA
(in Russian)
Did you find anything?
VLAD
(in Russian)
Plenty.
PETRA
I told him he must stop being big bear.
Felicity enters.
FELICITY
Here we are. Please...enjoy.
BILL
enjoys the creme brulee.
VLAD
looks at the gold statue on the mantle.
PETRA
makes conversation (no vocal sound).
FELICITY
watches them all carefully.
THE COFFEE
on a tray on the coffee table. Petra picks up a cup.
VLAD
puts the cups to his lips.
PETRA
puts the cup to her lips.
BILL
puts the cup to his lips. He looks to Petra.
INT. CIRCUS FANTASY - DAY
Bill as a circus clown is enjoying a good cup of coffee with
Petra as Lion Tamer.
INT. LIVING ROOM IN THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
Back to present--
BILL
droopy-eyed looks to Vlad.
VLAD
fast asleep.
BILL
finds this strange. He looks to Petra.
PETRA
is struggling to keep awake.
BILL's
eyes start to flutter and his vision looses focus.
THE SOUND OF A CHAINSAW
as Bill drifts off to sleep.
INT. BEDROOM OF THE CHUMLY HOUSE - NIGHT
The next morning, the birds are chirping outside. Bill's
alarm goes off like a bugel call, and we see him alone in bed
waking with a start. 7:00 AM. He is in terrible, terrible
hang-over mode and can barely make it to cut off the brutal
alarm.
He notices that Felicity is not in bed.
He looks out the window, and she's in the flower garden
working.
INT. THE CHUMLY SHOWER - DAY
Bills scrubs his armpits.
EXT. FLOWER GARDEN IN THE CHUMLY BACK YARD - DAY
A perfect garden. A perfect day. Felicity pats down
something newly planted.
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
Bills shaves. The pain of having to perform a daily routine
is almost unbearable.
EXT. FLOWER GARDEN IN THE CHUMLY BACK YARD - DAY
Bill comes out of the house dressed for work, but not
whistling like he normally does.
BILL
Remind me to give up drinking.
FELICITY
I'll always remind you, dear.
BILL
I don't remember our guests leaving. Is
she taking the room to let?
FELICITY
No, I don't think it's going to work out,
Bill.
BILL
Really? Pity. I liked that one.
FELICITY
I know you did. She was looking for a
room with Vlad.
BILL
Well, we can't have that.
FELICITY
No, we can't.
BILL
Well, I'm off to work.
FELICITY
Good-bye. Home early?
BILL
Hope so.
FELICITY
I'm thinking Russian tonight, Bill.
BILL
Yummy. New Martha Stewart recipe?
He leans over and gives her a kiss.
FELICITY
Bill...your shoe's in the dirt.
Bill hops to get out and shakes off his foot in an almost
exaggerated way.
BILL
Sorry, honey.
Bill leaves for work.
Felicity rakes out the place where Bill's shoe pressed down
the soil.
Birds chirp. It's a perfect day Martha Stewart Day.
FADE TO BLACK