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A Ten-Minute Play
By Stephen Bittrich
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Copyright © 2000,
by Stephen Bittrich.
(Draft: November, 2001)
Finalist in Actor's Theatre of Louisville's
2002 Ten Minute Play Contest.
To perform this play, you must request a royalty agreement with me. (Royalty information.)
"TWO EGGS" BY STEPHEN BITTRICH SETTING: Living room in the apartment of JANE on the Upper West Side. AT RISE: JANE is tidying up the room when the doorbell rings. JANE Who is it? KISS ASS SKIP (O.S.) It's your neighbor, uh, Skip. JANE Skip? KISS ASS SKIP (O.S.) Yes, I live right below you. JANE Oh, right. (JANE opens the door. Standing in the doorway are KISS ASS SKIP and DEPRESSED SKIP. THEY are both dressed exactly the same except for the color of their turtlenecks. KISS ASS SKIP has a bright yellow turtleneck, and DEPRESSED SKIP has a blue turtleneck. THEY move as if they are one. KISS ASS SKIP is in front while DEPRESSED SKIP is glued, body to body, just behind and to the left. KISS ASS SKIP is lively and energetic, while DEPRESSED SKIP seems to be asleep or dormant. DEPRESSED SKIP'S head rests on the left shoulder of KISS ASS SKIP. Jane doesn't notice anything particularly out of order about SKIP's appearance) JANE (cont'd) Hi, how are you. I've seen you in the lobby. Skip, right? KISS ASS SKIP (speaking in a sort of saccharine staccato) Yes, Skip...or Skippy. Call me whatever you want, really. Skippy is fine...or Skipper. Or maybe you just like Skip. I'm not picky. JANE I just like Skip, actually. I'm Jane. (JANE sticks out her hand to shake. When KISS ASS SKIP extends his hand, DEPRESSED SKIP'S arm goes out as well, but the hand remains limp) KISS ASS SKIP Jane, oh, Jane, how nice. What a lovely, terrific name! Jane! JANE Well, you know, pretty basic. Plain Jane. KISS ASS SKIP Plain. Oh never! Beautiful, tremendous Jane. Great Jane! If- you don't mind me saying. What a super-duper place you have, Jane. So clean. JANE Thank you. KISS ASS SKIP I--I--I work in a laboratory, Jane. What do you do? JANE Well, I'm back in school actually. Rethinking careers...after many years of working as a-- KISS ASS SKIP Jane, you are so brave. So courageous! Such a trouper! JANE Was there something I could do for you...Skip? KISS ASS SKIP Or Skippy, Skipper. Yes, actually, Jane, there is. I was making a cake, you see--right in the middle of mixing it. A tremendous, super-duper recipe actually. I'd love to invite you over for a--a cakefest after it's done, but, well, this is embarrassing, I've run out of a crucial ingredient. I need two eggs. JANE Two eggs. Well, that's easy enough. I just went shopping this morning. KISS ASS SKIP Did you? Oh Jane, you are so nice. So fabulous. Such a good neighbor. JANE Well, Skip Skip Skipper. It's not a problem at all. (JANE turns to get the eggs from the kitchen area. KISS ASS SKIP goes instantly to sleep, while DEPRESSED SKIP wakes up) DEPRESSED SKIP You're making fun of me, aren't you? JANE (stopping and turning back to him) Hmmm? DEPRESSED SKIP "Skip Skip Skipper. Skip Skip Skipper." I try my best to give people, you know, options. Everybody's different. You may not like Skip. You may have dated a--a "psycho Skip" at one time. So I say, have a choice. How about "Skippy" or "Skipper"? I mean the chances of somebody having rotten associations with a "Skip," "Skippy," and a "Skipper" are--are infinitesimal. JANE Skip, I was just...don't take it that way. DEPRESSED SKIP Oh, who am I kidding? It's my pathetic need to get people to like me which makes me an object of ridicule. JANE I wasn't ridicul-- DEPRESSED SKIP Do you have any Valium? JANE Valium? No. DEPRESSED SKIP Vicadin? JANE No. DEPRESSED SKIP Any...any drugs of any kind? JANE No, sorry. DEPRESSED SKIP I have to sit down. I don't feel well. (The TWO SKIPS make their way to the couch to sit down) JANE Oh...well...are you sick? DEPRESSED SKIP I have a pain...in my head. I just need, need a little compassion. I didn't name myself. That lofty task was left to my parents. Two bunglers who should never have mated. It wasn't easy growing up with a name like Skippy. I was beaten up on a regular basis. I tried "Skipper" on for size for a while, you know, like I was the "skipper of my own ship--the captain- the guy in charge." But I had such trouble with my "S's" as a kid that I couldn't pull it off. "Sthkipper." Not very manly. JANE (placating him) Skip, I'm sorry. I wasn't really making fun. I was being...enthusiastic. When you walked in the door you were so happy-go-lucky, and, you know, I caught the Skippy fever. And Skip really is a happy sort of name, if you think about it. DEPRESSED SKIP (simultaneously, going to sleep) ...stho sthleepy... KISS ASS SKIP (simultaneously, waking up) That's okay, Jane. I knew you were a fantastic person the minute I laid eyes on you. JANE (a little confused) Thank you. KISS ASS SKIP Don't mention it! JANE You're okay then? KISS ASS SKIP I am, if you're okay. JANE I'm okay. KISS ASS SKIP You certainly are! Great Jane! (beat) Would you go out with me? JANE Let me get your eggs...two eggs...then you can get back to your cake. (KISS ASS SKIP goes down, while DEPRESSED SKIP wakes up) DEPRESSED SKIP You want me to leave, don't you? You're trying to get rid of me. I've out-stayed my welcome... JANE Uh...no, no, that's not it at all. DEPRESSED SKIP Not that I blame you. I'm dirt, I'm scum. JANE Skip! DEPRESSED SKIP I fart all the time, constantly. JANE Little too much info there, neighbor. DEPRESSED SKIP I can't help it. I have bad digestion, but I'm labeled a freak because of it. See there. I just did it. Silent killer. Between the farting and the name thing-- JANE Skip, I'm going to go get your two eggs. You've got a cake waiting! (JANE exits to the kitchen. DEPRESSED SKIP conks out, while KISS ASS SKIP wakes up) KISS ASS SKIP You're okay, Jane! Jane? (smelling the fart) Oh my God...Jane. (HE gets up from the couch with the dormant DEPRESSED SKIP attached, of course, and moves around to the back of the couch, fanning the air and looking around the room) What a super-terrific apartment, Jane! You're a woman of singular taste, I can tell. JANE (from the kitchen) Thanks, Skip. (KISS ASS SKIP goes out, while DEPRESSED SKIP wakes up) DEPRESSED SKIP Me, there's nothing singular about me. JANE Your eggs. Now, I hate to be rude, but I'm really going have to scoot you on out of here. DEPRESSED SKIP You hate me, don't you? JANE (starting to get frustrated) Skip, uh, you know, I don't even know you. I just need you to leave, so I can get ready... DEPRESSED SKIP You're going out! JANE Yes, I have a date coming over. Sorry I can't be more neighborly right now. DEPRESSED SKIP What about us? JANE Us? (there is a sort of violent vomiting sound that emits from the SKIPS, but it doesn't come from the mouths of either KISS ASS or DEPRESSED SKIP. KISS ASS SKIP wakes up, and they speak simultaneously as if in slow motion) KISS ASS SKIP (simultaneously) NOOOOOO! DEPRESSED SKIP (simultaneously) NOOOOOO! (THEY squirm and wriggle, fighting to keep the vomit down) JANE Uh, Yeeees. Skip, I'm not joking around. Time to leave. (there is another vomiting sound from the SKIPS) KISS ASS SKIP (simultaneously) STAY DOWN! DEPRESSED SKIP (simultaneously) DON'T COME UP! (As THEY are standing behind the couch, the head of MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP pops up between the two SKIP HEADS. They try to push him down, but HE fights his way back up, snapping with his teeth at their fingers. HE wins the battle to stay. HE wears a red turtleneck) MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP You two timing, bitch! JANE What? KISS ASS SKIP Jane! I didn't mean that! I'm sorry! That was an accident! MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP NOT! (DEPRESSED SKIP tries again to push MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP down, but runs out of energy and falls asleep) JANE Skip, it's been real, it's been fun. There's the door. MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP Got any cocaine? KISS ASS SKIP Ha, ha, not that I use that stuff. MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP I hunger, I thirst. More eeeegggzzz! More eeeegggzzz! (MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP moves forcefully towards the kitchen, while KISS ASS SKIP struggles toward the door) JANE Skip, you are starting to freak me out. KISS ASS SKIP Oh, it's no problem, Jane, I'm just leaving now to make my cake. It was so super meeting you. You'll have to come up for cake later...after your date...or anytime really. It doesn't have to be on the same night as your date. Tomorrow night is good...or the next night... MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP (breathing heavily) Show me your tits! KISS ASS SKIP Ha, ha, just a little joke. Don't--don't--don't show them. Not that they aren't tremendous. No, I don't mean tremendous, I mean super-duper...oh darn... (MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP laughs cruelly at the plight of KISS ASS SKIP. KISS ASS SKIP finally does a backhanded kung fu blow to the face of MISOGYNIST CAVE MAN SKIP, and his head falls unconscious) ...thanks so much, neighbor. I'm leaving now. JANE Yes, I think it's best. KISS ASS SKIP I hope we can still be friends. JANE Sure, sure, Skip. (DEPRESSED SKIP wakes up. The SKIPS have made their way in front of the door by now) DEPRESSED SKIP (tearfully) Oh, who am kidding? It's over between us. (JANE opens the door for him) JANE (sarcastically) No, I think we've still got a chance, Skip. Good-bye. DEPRESSED SKIP We do? We've got a chance? (BARRY WHITE type music starts up. Like the parting of the Red Sea, the other SKIPS roll into the background, while BARRY WHITE SKIP, in a white turtleneck, slides to the front. HE is smooth like silk) BARRY WHITE SKIP (singing or talk singing in that deep, rich Barry White-esque voice) Baby! OTHER SKIPS (the background singers) Baby! BARRY WHITE SKIP I know we've had our ups and downs. I said, "Baby!" OTHER SKIPS Baby! BARRY WHITE SKIP My love expands for you by leaps and bounds. Oh, yeah, Baby! OTHER SKIPS Baby! BARRY WHITE SKIP When you opened up your door, Baby, and let me slide inside. When you offered up your eggs, Baby, and took me for a ride. I knew our love was real, Baby, I knew that it was fate. And now there is no doubt, Baby, I've finally found my mate! (beat; speaking voice) Send your date home early...baby. I'll be by at midnight...with cake. (BARRY WHITE SKIP smoothly takes her hand and kisses it. SHE's so amazed that SHE lets him with no resistance. As HE and the OTHER SKIPS exit, HE starts up his "song" again) Well, well, well, Baby! OTHER SKIPS Baby! BARRY WHITE SKIP 'Til the next time that we meet. Oh yeah, Baby! OTHER SKIPS Baby! BARRY WHITE SKIP I'll bring you something sweet. (HE vamps on "Baby, Baby, Baby" backing out of the room while maintaining eye contact with Jane) They say that cat, Skip, is a bad mother. OTHER SKIPS Shut yo mouth! BARRY WHITE SKIP I'm just talking 'bout Skip. OTHER SKIPS We can dig it! (The SKIPS exit. JANE stands there flabergasted--a little in awe--and not completely disinterested as the lights fade to black) (END OF PLAY)