"LA MOUCHE"
By Stephen Bittrich

SETTING:

A French restaurant in New York.

AT RISE:

The customer sits alone at a table and makes a startling discovery. The CUSTOMER may be played by man or woman, and “Madame” substituted for “Monsieur.” Other non-traditional casting is welcome as well.

 

CUSTOMER

Excuse me...garçon!

(A waiter, PIERRE, is there in a flash)

pIERRE

Oui, monsieur?  Oui?  How is your soup?

CUSTOMER

My soup has a fly in it.

PIERRE

No!

cUSTOMER

Yes.

pIERRE

Mon Dieu...a fly.  Oooo, la, la, la, la!  Yes, there he is.  I see him.  He is looking at me.

cUSTOMER

It's most distressing.

pIERRE

Indeed, monsieur.  Indeed.  I am at a loss.  Who is your waiter? 

cUSTOMER

I'm not certain.

pIERRE

Jacques!  Jacques!

(Head waiter, JACQUES, arrives in a flash)

jACQUES

Yes?  Yes?  Monsieur, how is your soup?

cUSTOMER

Well...

pIERRE

His soup contains a fly.

jACQUES

No!

PIERRE

Mais oui!

jACQUES

Outrageous!

(Beat, earnestly)

Monsieur, did you ask for a fly in your soup?

PIERRE

(as if this logical possibility had never occurred to him)

Ahhh.

cUSTOMER

No.  I did not!

pIERRE

(ever agreeable)

No!

jACQUES

It is not "fly soup"?

cUSTOMER

No, it is not.  Most definitely not.

jACQUES

Who is your waiter?

CUSTOMER

Well...

jACQUES

I will KILL him!

pIERRE

Oui!  His waiter must die! 

jACQUES

Point him to me.

cUSTOMER

I don't remember.

jACQUES

I will tear him limb from limb!

cUSTOMER

I'd rather you didn't.

jACQUES

He will pay for this fly with his life...hmmmm?  No?

cUSTOMER

Well, no.  It is just a fly.

pIERRE

Certainly.  Of course.  Seulement une mouche.

jACQUES

Mais oui...just a fly.  Today just a fly.  Tomorrow a ball of...hair...a wad of chewing gum.  The next day a human head!

pIERRE

The line must be drawn.

cUSTOMER

I don't want to make trouble.

pIERRE

Nonsense.

jACQUES

Absurd.

pIERRE

Monsieur, the customer is always...the customer is always...

cUSTOMER

Eh?

jACQUES

Ripe.

pIERRE

Ripe!  Oui!  Seulement.

jACQUES

We will simply kill your waiter.  Problem solved.

cUSTOMER

Might I just have another soup?

piERRE

Of course.

jACQUES

The soup is not the issue!

pIERRE

Obviously.

jACQUES

The issue is the fly.

pIERRE

Exactement.  The fly.  The fly must die as well.

jACQUES

Pierre!  Are you insane?  A poor defenseless creature... merely trying to keep warm...and you suggest we end his existence?

pIERRE

Pardon.  I have missed the point.

jACQUES

Obviously.

pIERRE

(to the CUSTOMER)

Can you forgive me, monsieur?

cUSTOMER

(starting to become confused)

Of course.

pIERRE

(hitting himself in the head)

Stupid!  Stupid!

jACQUES

The fly is an innocent.

pIERRE

Obviously.  A babe in the...in the...

jACQUES

The fly has been duped.

cUSTOMER

Duped?

jACQUES

He is a pawn in this devilish plot!

pIERRE

...in the woods.  Oui.

cUSTOMER

Yes, yes, poor fly, poor fly...but might I just--

pIERRE

Ah, poor fly.

jACQUES

You have now a bond!

pIERRE

A kinship.

cUSTOMER

Eh?

jACQUES

With the fly...whose life you have saved.  

pIERRE

Exactly.  May I offer you a, a jar, monsieur?  I can poke petite holes in the lid...for your fly.

cUSTOMER

I don't want this fly!

pIERRE

Of course not!  Silly.

cUSTOMER

What would I do with a fly?

jACQUES

Well, you have saved his life, monsieur...in some cultures...but I overstep my bounds. 

pIERRE

Always ripe...always ripe.  Is that right?

jACQUES

Pardon, monsieur.  We can certainly make arrangements for this fly.  He needn't be your concern.  Do not think again of this fly.

cUSTOMER

Thank you.

 

(SYLVIE, another waiter, passes by the table)

jACQUES

De rien.  Be assured, this fly will live out his days in comfort.

SYLVIE

Ah, the comfort of soup.

jACQUES

(to Sylvie)

You idiot!

SYLVIE

Sorry?

cuSTOMER

All I really want is another...

jACQUES

Monsieur, what have you ordered for you next course?

cuSTOMER

The soufflé.

SYLVIE

Oooo, la, la, la, la!  The soufflé.

jACQUES

Magnifique!

pIERRE

Absolument.  Like you have died and gone to...to...

jACQUES

May I assume, monsieur, that you did not order any flies in your soufflé?

cuSTOMER

You may assume that, yes.

SYLVIE

That is a "no"?

cuSTOMER

Most definitely no.

jACQUES

Sylvie, s'il vous plaît, inspect monsieur's soufflé, tout de suite!

SYLVIE

D'accord!

(Sylvie dashes to the kitchen)

jACQUES

This soufflé will have NO flies, monsieur!

cUSTOMER

Yes...thank you.  Really, what I most desire...

PIERRE

You have a desire, monsieur?

cUSTOMER

Yes.

PIERRE

You need only ask.

cUSTOMER

A soup.  A soup, please.  One without the fly.

jACQUES

Of course.  You would like your soup returned to it's original fly free condition.  If you will permit me, I can remove the fly...unharmed, of course...

cUSTOMER

Why would I...eh?  Are you saying...?

(SYLVIE returns in a flash)

SYLVIE

This soufflé will have NO FLIES!

jACQUES

Excellent, Sylvie.

SYLVIE

I have seen to it! 

(Beat, then...)

The chef was quite upset.

cUSTOMER

Upset?  I didn't want to upset the chef.

jACQUES

Nonsense!  It is your right to upset the chef.  You have a grievance.  Don't concern yourself with this chef, monsieur.  He is insignificant.

pIERRE

As insignificant as a...

jACQUES

Perhaps I should KILL him!

pIERRE

Insignificant as a...

cUSTOMER

I don't wish for you to kill anybody...not the waiter, not the chef, not the fly.

SYLVIE

Ahh, monsieur, you have the heart of a saint.

cUSTOMER

Thank you.

jACQUES

Why on earth would I kill the fly?

SYLVIE

You forgive them all.

jACQUES

Incroyable.

pIERRE

To forgive is...is...

cUSTOMER

Yes, very well, thank you.

pIERRE

To forgive is...

SYLVIE

"...is bovine."

cUSTOMER

"...is sublime."

SYLVIE

Ahh oui, sublime.  Merci, monsieur.  How silly of me.  A cow is not sublime.

pIERRE

No, I don't think that's it.

jACQUES

Pierre!  You contradict the customer?

PIERRE

Not at all.  It does not sound correct:  "to forgive is sublime."

jACQUES

Absurd.  Is it not sublime to forgive?

PIERRE

Yes, of course, but...

jACQUES

I will...KILL you!

(JACQUES starts to throttle PIERRE)

cUSTOMER

Please!  Please!  Please!  Garçons!

jACQUES

(Taking a pause)

Oui?

pIERRE

Oui, monsieur?

cUSTOMER

This is outrageous!  Unbelievable!

jACQUES

(Taking his hands off PIERRE's neck)

But of course.

cUSTOMER

And the fly has flown away!

pIERRE

What?

jACQUES

You...stupid!  You have scared away monsieur's fly!

pIERRE

I am ashamed, monsieur.

cuSTOMER

Unless he's sunk to the bottom.

SYLVIE

Allow me, monsieur.

(Sylvie fishes around in the soup with her finger)

This fly is gone.

jACQUES

Of course this fly is gone...

(To Pierre)

...because you are too loud.  You are a loud, sweaty man, and this fly is gone.  Of course.  He has flown the coup...his petite wings heavy with soup!

SYLVIE

It's cold.  The soup is cold.

jACQUES

Cold!  Incroyable!  This is not a cold soup.

pIERRE

It's shameful!

jACQUES

Monsieur, would you agree that this soup should not be cold?

cUSTOMER

Yes.  No!  I don't want cold soup.

jACQUES

Very well.  Sylvie, what are you waiting for?  Rapidement!  A fresh bowl of piping hot soup for the gentleman.

SYLVIE

Right away!

(Sylvie starts to leave)

cuSTOMER

(Relieved)

Thank you.

jACQUES

Wait!

SYLVIE

Wait!

jACQUES

Monsieur, would you like your soup...piping hot?

cUSTOMER

Piping?

SYLVIE

Scalding, fiery, blistering?

cUSTOMER

Well...

piERRE

Peut-être, lukewarm...tepid.  So you don't burn your petite tongue?

cUSTOMER

I don't want to burn my tongue...but I don't want to take a bath in it.

jACQUES

As the fly has!

(Jacques, Sylvie and Pierre laugh in short staccato bursts)

jACQUES (CONT'D)

Say no more, monsieur.  Your soup will be perfect.  Sylvie, tout de suite!

SYLVIE

Oui!

(Sylvie starts to leave again)

jACQUES

And Sylvie...

SYLVIE

Oui?

jACQUES

Sans la mouche!!!

(BLACKOUT)

(END OF PLAY)