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MIME IN A BOX

Edited for a High School Audience

By Stephen Bittrich

 

5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail:
SBittrich@aol.com

 

Copyright © 2001,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: September, 2007)

                                   "MIME IN A BOX"

                                   BY STEPHEN BITTRICH


            SETTING:

                                   The Village, New York City.


            AT RISE:

                                   A MIME is standing center stage, arms
                                   folded, angry.  There is a hat for
                                   donations slightly downstage and to the
                                   right of him.  Slightly downstage and
                                   to the left of him is LENNY sitting on
                                   a crate reading a newspaper.  HARV
                                   enters stage right.


                                   HARV
            Hey Lenny, what's going on?

                                   LENNY
            Not much, Harv.  How's it with you?

                                   HARV
            Same old.  You got the scores?

                                   LENNY
            Yeah, the team sucks.

                                   HARV
            Don't I know it.

                                   LENNY
            Yeah.

                                   HARV
            You on a lunch?  Jou eat yet?

                                   LENNY
            Nope.  But I'm--I'm skippin' lunch today.

                                   HARV
            What are you on a diet or somethin'?  Lemme buy you a sub.

                                   LENNY
            I got somethin' going on.  I'll take a raincheck.

                                   HARV
            Oh yeah?

                                   LENNY
            Yeah.
                          (HARV notices the MIME for the
                           first time.  The MIME is
                           eavesdropping)

                                   HARV
            Hey, who's your nosy friend?

                                   LENNY
            Hmmm?  
                          (matter of factly)
            Oh, that's a mime.

                                   HARV
            No shit?

                                   LENNY
            Yeah.

                                   HARV
                          (beat)
            What the hell is a mime?

                                   LENNY
            Umm...like him.  You know about mimes, right?

                                   HARV
            Well, I mean, I've seen these guys around before.  They're
            like clowns, right?  What's he lookin' for--a hand out?

                                   LENNY
            That's probably what he depends on.

                                   HARV
            You want I should sock him?

                                   LENNY
            No, Harv.  Have a little more respect for the street
            performer.

                                   HARV
            I find these clown guys annoying.

                                   LENNY
            He's not a clown, Harv.  He's a mime.  Mime has it's roots in
            commedia dell'arte, not clowning.  Have you never heard of
            Marcel Marceau?  Famous French mime?  Performed completely
            without words--just by using gestures.

                                   HARV
            Never heard of him.

                                   LENNY
            Yeah, he's like the Marlon Brando of mimes.  French guy. 
            Born in the 1920's.

                                   HARV
            Len, this mime is really startin' ta piss me off.  He's
            pushin' alla my buttons.
                          (to the MIME)
            Buddy, Buddy, you wanna find some place else ta stand?  You
            wanna get lost?

                                   LENNY
            Harv, Harv, he can't leave.  I locked him in his box.

                                   HARV
            Oh.  Huh?

                                   LENNY
            Yeah, he's stuck in there.

                                   HARV
            Okay.  
                          (beat)
            I'm not following.

                                   LENNY
            In his box.  His imaginary box.

                                   HARV
            Oh, like a pretend box.  
                          (beat)
            What?

                                   LENNY
                          (to the MIME)
            Can you do it for him?
                          (MIME shakes his head "no")

                                   LENNY (cont'd)
            Come on.  Do it for him.
                          (MIME shakes his head "no")

                                   HARV
            What do you want him to do, Len?  You want I should clock him
            one?
                          (the MIME does "stuck in a
                           box")

                                   LENNY
            See that Harv?

                                   HARV
            Oh.  Yeah.  So he's like pretending that he's stuck in a box.

                                   LENNY
            Oh no, he's genuinely stuck in a box.  I mean this guy's a
            professional.  And I locked it. 

                                   HARV
            I don't see a box.

                                   LENNY
                          (profoundly)
            Well, it's in his mind, Harv, and it's in our minds now too,
            but that doesn't make it any less real, does it?  

                                   HARV
            And you locked it?

                                   LENNY
            Yeah, I came along and...
                          (LENNY mimes taking a gigantic,
                           weighty lock out of his pocket
                           and puts it on the box.  HE's
                           actually a pretty good mime.)

                                   HARV
            And that's all it took?  And you got this guy locked in?

                                   LENNY
            Yep.

                                   HARV
            Freaky. 
                          (beat)
            So he's like double locked now...

                                   LENNY
            Hmmm?

                                   HARV
            Well, you locked him in earlier, and you just now put another
            lock on there.

                                   LENNY
            Yeees.  Yes, Harv.  I spose he is.  Yes, he's double locked
            in there.

                                   HARV
            Hmmm.
                          (beat)
            Now what?  Are you gonna mess with him or what?

                                   LENNY
            I'm definitely going to test the boundries of reality and
            illusion, Harv.  Is that what you mean?

                                   HARV
            Yeah, I guess that's what I mean.
                          (beat)
            That all he does?  The box thing?

                                   LENNY
            I imagine not.  Most mimes also do the classic "mime walk."

                                   HARV
                          (to the MIME)
            Do it, mime!  Let's see the walk.  Mime, come on!
                          (the MIME shakes his head "no")

                                   HARV (cont'd)
            This mime's got an attitude problem, Lenny.

                                   LENNY
                          (motioning HARV further
                           downstage)
            Come here a second.

                                   HARV
            Huh?

                                   LENNY
            Come over here.
                          (THEY move slightly downstage)

                                   HARV
            What?

                                   LENNY
                          (sotto voce)
            You're never going to get him to do the walk by pissing him
            off.  Harv, mimes aren't stupid.  No, no, you've gotta use
            psychology on him.  These mimes are a very proud and
            sensitive lot.

                                   HARV
            Psychology?

                                   LENNY
            Yeah.  Look, just follow my lead, okay?

                                   HARV
            I'm with ya, Len.

                                   LENNY
                          (louder)
            And you see, Harv, that is why he can't do the mime walk. 
            He's just not skilled enough to do the walk inside a small
            space--inside the box.  He needs more room.

                                   HARV
            Makes perfect sense to me.  Of course.  Not skilled enough.
                          (the MIME mimes a big temper
                           tantrum, then begins to
                           expertly walk in place inside
                           the box.  HE runs into the
                           walls of the box as he walks
                           one way, turns around and
                           walks in the opposite way,
                           never walking too far before
                           HE runs into the box wall. 
                           LENNY and HARV pretend not to
                           notice at first, but HARV
                           can't help himself--)

                                   HARV (cont'd)
            Hey, that's pretty fucked up.

                                   LENNY
            See, this guy's a professional...even incorporated the box
            into the whole walk thing.

                                   HARV
            Yeah, a real pro.  
                          (beat, meaningfully)
            Hey Len, is the lock...a combination lock?  Or...?

                                   LENNY
            --a key lock.  Here's the key for the second lock.
                          (LENNY takes a cumbersome
                           imaginary key necklace off
                           from around his neck)

                                   HARV
            Can I see?

                                   LENNY
            Sure.  
                          (handing HARV the imaginary key
                           necklace)
            And the other one's in my pocket...somewhere. 
                          (LENNY searches his pockets. 
                           HARV eats the key.)

                                   LENNY (cont'd)
            Hey, what the hell did you do that for?

                                   HARV
            I don't know.

                                   LENNY
            You ate the key.

                                   HARV
            Yeah.

                                   LENNY
            Well, well, Harv...I can't keep this guy in here all
            day...while you digest the thing...fish it out of the toilet.

                                   HARV
                          (suddenly disturbed)
            But...I mean...can't you cut it off with a--a lock cutter?
                          (the MIME and LENNY do a take
                           to each other like HARV is the
                           biggest idiot in the world)

                                   LENNY
            Are you kidding me?  Where am I going to get a lock cutter of
            that--that size?  I don't even think this lock can be cut. 
            It's huge!

                                   HARV
            I dunno.  I--I--I wasn't thinking.

                                   LENNY
            No, you weren't thinking at all.  This is serious.  I mean,
            there's only so much oxygen in there.
                          (the MIME starts doing a
                           "running out of air" mime.)

                                   HARV
            I'm sorry I ate it, Lenny.

                                   LENNY
            Well, you should be.

                                   HARV
            I don't know what came over me.

                                   LENNY
            I'm very upset.

                                   HARV
            I wanted in on the game.

                                   LENNY
            You wanted--?  
                          (beat, understanding)
            Of course you did, Harv.  Of course you did.

                                   HARV
            Sorry.

                                   LENNY
            Don't worry about it.  Don't worry at all.  We'll figure it
            out.

                                   HARV
            I still don't see why we can't use a big ass "mime" lock
            cutter.

                                   LENNY
                          (taking him firmly by the
                           shoulders)
            Harv.

                                   HARV
            Yes?

                                   LENNY
            It's because of what I believe about the lock.  It's because
            of the obstacles in my mind.

                                   HARV
                          (agreeing, but bewildered)
            Uh huh.

                                   LENNY
            I believe this lock, this second lock to be the most massive,
            indestructable lock known to man.  THAT'S WHAT I BELIEVE,
            HARV!

                                   HARV
            Wow.

                                   LENNY
            It's my ideal of lock...of what is "lockness," "locknessity,"
            "locktitude."  

                                   HARV
            Had a few bikes stolen?  You've got issues right?

                                   LENNY
            It's perfection, Harv.  It's per-fec-tion.

                                   HARV
            So, so because that's what you believe, then...that's what it
            is.

                                   LENNY
            Well, I spose...I mean the only way it really works is...if I
            share in a common belief with--

                                   HARV
            --the mime!

                                   LENNY
            Exactly--

                                   HARV
            But not me?

                                   LENNY
            Well--

                                   HARV
            I mean because maybe I had a different picture of the lock.

                                   LENNY
            Maybe?  Did you see me put the lock on?

                                   HARV
            Yes.

                                   LENNY
            What picture did you get of the lock?

                                   HARV
            Massive lock.

                                   LENNY
            You see...

                                   HARV
            Okay, I see what yer sayin'...but, I'm just sayin', your idea
            could be different than mine.  
                          (suddenly to the mime--in a
                           panic)
            Hang on there, fella!  We'll get you out!

                                   LENNY
                          (philosophically, to the air)
            We're all chained up in a cave, Harv, just looking at
            flickering shadows on a wall.  

                                   HARV
            Lenny, how do you see the box?

                                   LENNY
            The box?

                                   HARV
            Yes, the box!  How do you see it?

                                   LENNY
            Lenny, this box is made of multi-layered bulletproof glass
            bonded together with titanuim steel bolts, hinges, and corner
            pieces.

                                   HARV 
            I see it as kind of a flimsy cardboard box, Len...with a
            little cut out window.

                                   LENNY
            You think I'd lock a cardboard box?  I mean--

                                   HARV
            Well...

                                   LENNY
            It's bulletproof glass, Harv!  Multi-layered bulletproof
            glass!  

                                   HARV
            I just don't see it.

                                   LENNY
            A cardboard box.  How ridiculous!  He could just gnaw his way
            out.

                                   HARV 
            That's what I see.

                                   LENNY
            I mean, for this to work, I believe we must have a shared
            experience, Harv, and you're mucking it all up.  Mucking up
            the works!
                          (to the MIME)
            Am I right?

                                   HARV
                          (blurting out, as if struck by
                           lightning)
            If there's nobody around to hear a mime scream, does he
            really make a sound?

                                   LENNY
            What?

                                   HARV
                          (trying to remember what HE
                           said)
            If there's nobody around...to hear a mime scream...does he
            really make a sound?

                                   LENNY
            Hmmm.

                                   HARV 
            Know what I mean?

                                   LENNY
            I think I do.  Wow.  That's a mouthful.

                                   HARV
                          (proud, then after a beat)
            I say we set fire to the box!

                                   LENNY
            Yeah...say what?

                                   HARV
            And then leave!

                                   LENNY
            And this accomplishes what?

                                   HARV
            Um, um, to see if it...you know...it's a test.

                                   LENNY
            Nobody around to hear a mime scream, does he make a sound?

                                   HARV
            Right.  But we can't be around.  We've gotta leave.

                                   LENNY
            But..if we leave, how will we know?

                                   HARV
            Didn't think of that...

                                   LENNY
            No, you didn't.

                                   HARV
            But it doesn't work unless we leave.

                                   LENNY
            No, I spose not.

                                   HARV
            I think we should do it.

                                   LENNY
            I would be curious to test this theory.  But as far as I can
            determine, it's untestable.

                                   HARV
            Well, the mime will know the result.

                                   LENNY
            True that.

                                   HARV 
            Also, we'll know pretty quickly if the box burns...

                                   LENNY
            ...if it's make of cardboard or glass!

                                   HARV
            Exactly.

                                   LENNY
            Seems a little unfair to...
                          (indicating the MIME)
            ...you know.  I mean, we were starting to bond.

                                   HARV
            Hey, you know, you roll the dice, you take your chances. 
            He's out here pretending to be stuck in a box...
                          (HARV does a quick "stuck in a
                           box" mime)
            ...ya know?

                                   LENNY
            I spose.

                                   HARV
            That's the way the ball bounces.

                                   LENNY
                          (after a beat)
            Okay, light it up.
                          (With great attention to
                           detail, HARV takes an
                           imaginary can of lighter fluid
                           out of his pocket and squirts
                           an imaginary flammable liquid
                           on the box.  The MIME is
                           horrified)

                                   LENNY (cont'd)
            Okay, not too much.  If it's cardboard, it shouldn't need
            much help.
                          (HARV takes an imaginary box of
                           kitchen matches out of his
                           pocket)

                                   LENNY (cont'd)
            Kitchen matches.  Nice.

                                   HARV
            You want to do the honors, Lenny?

                                   LENNY
            No, no, please.  You're doing an amazing job, Harv.  Very
            impressive. 
                          (HARV, stepping back, lights an
                           imaginary match.  HE looks to
                           LENNY as if to say "might want
                           to stand back."  LENNY crosses
                           behind HARV.  HARV tosses the
                           match at the base of the box. 
                           THEY watch the box go up in
                           "flames")

                                   LENNY (cont'd)
            Wow.  Cardboard.  You were right.

                                   HARV
            Look at it burn.

                                   LENNY
            Should we go?

                                   HARV
            We have to.  We can't be here!  But I do wish I was a fly on
            the wall, so I could see if he screams or not.

                                   LENNY
            If you were a fly on the wall, then the experiment would be
            pointless because you'd be here.

                                   HARV
            Oh.  Right.

                                   LENNY
            I'll take you up on that sub now.

                                   HARV
            Sure thing, Lenny.  I'm a little full myself, all of a
            sudden, but I'll buy you one.

                                   LENNY
            Passing that key is going to be pure hell.

                                   HARV
            I'm not looking forward to it.

                                   LENNY
            But we'll figure something out.

                                   HARV
            Thanks, Len.

                                   LENNY
            Seems to me, we just need to find someone with a different
            idea of what is the essence of "key."

                                   HARV
            Right...piece of cake.  What is "key"?

                          (THEY exit.  The MIME starts to
                           burn, writhing in agony.  The
                           lights snap to black and a
                           blood curdling scream is
                           heard)

(END OF PLAY)


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