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"LA MOUCHE" SETTING: A French restaurant in New York. AT RISE: The customer sits alone at a table and makes a startling discovery. CUSTOMER Excuse me...garçon! (A waiter, PIERRE, is there in a flash) pIERRE Oui, monsieur? Oui? How is your soup? CUSTOMER My soup has a fly in it. PIERRE No! cUSTOMER Yes. pIERRE Mon Dieu...a fly. Oooo, la, la, la, la! Yes, there he is. I see him. He is looking at me. cUSTOMER It's most distressing. pIERRE Indeed, monsieur. Indeed. I am at a loss. Who is your waiter? cUSTOMER I'm not certain. pIERRE Jacques!
Jacques! (Head waiter, JACQUES, arrives in a flash) jACQUES Yes? Yes? Monsieur, how is your soup? cUSTOMER Well... pIERRE His soup contains a fly. jACQUES No! PIERRE Mais oui! jACQUES Outrageous! (Beat, earnestly) Monsieur, did you ask for a fly in your soup? PIERRE (as if this logical possibility had never occurred to him) Ahhh. cUSTOMER No. I did not! pIERRE (ever agreeable) No! jACQUES It is not "fly soup"? cUSTOMER No, it is not. Most definitely not. jACQUES Who is your waiter? CUSTOMER Well... jACQUES I will KILL him! pIERRE Oui! His waiter must die! jACQUES Point him to me. cUSTOMER I don't remember. jACQUES I will tear him limb from limb! cUSTOMER I'd rather you didn't. jACQUES He will pay for this fly with his life...hmmmm? No? cUSTOMER Well, no. It is just a fly. pIERRE Certainly. Of course. Seulement une mouche. jACQUES Mais oui...just a fly. Today just a fly. Tomorrow a ball of...hair...a wad of chewing gum. The next day a human head! pIERRE The line must be drawn. cUSTOMER I don't want to make trouble. pIERRE Nonsense. jACQUES Absurd. pIERRE Monsieur, the customer is always...the customer is always... cUSTOMER Eh? jACQUES Ripe. pIERRE Ripe! Oui! Seulement. jACQUES We will simply kill your waiter. Problem solved. cUSTOMER Might I just have another soup? piERRE Of course. jACQUES The soup is not the issue! pIERRE Obviously. jACQUES The issue is the fly. pIERRE Exactement. The fly. The fly must die as well. jACQUES Pierre! Are you insane? A poor defenseless creature... merely trying to keep warm...and you suggest we end his existence? pIERRE Pardon. I have missed the point. jACQUES Obviously. pIERRE (to the CUSTOMER) Can you forgive me, monsieur? cUSTOMER (starting to become confused) Of course. pIERRE (hitting himself in the head) Stupid! Stupid! jACQUES The fly is an innocent. pIERRE Obviously. A babe in the...in the... jACQUES The fly has been duped. cUSTOMER Duped? jACQUES He is a pawn in this devilish plot! pIERRE ...in the woods. Oui. cUSTOMER Yes, yes, poor fly, poor fly...but might I just-- pIERRE Ah, poor fly. jACQUES You have now a bond! pIERRE A kinship. cUSTOMER Eh? jACQUES With the fly...whose life you have saved. pIERRE Exactly. May I offer you a, a jar, monsieur? I can poke petite holes in the lid...for your fly. cUSTOMER I don't want this fly! pIERRE Of course not! Silly. cUSTOMER What would I do with a fly? jACQUES Well, you have saved his life, monsieur...in some cultures...but I overstep my bounds. pIERRE Always ripe...always ripe. Is that right? jACQUES Pardon, monsieur. We can certainly make arrangements for this fly. He needn't be your concern. Do not think again of this fly. cUSTOMER Thank you. jACQUES De rien. Be assured, this fly will live out his days in comfort. pIERRE The comfort of soup. jACQUES (to PIERRE) You idiot! pIERRE Sorry? cuSTOMER All I really want is another... jACQUES Monsieur, what have you ordered for you next course? cuSTOMER The soufflé. pIERRE Oooo, la, la, la, la! The soufflé. jACQUES Magnifique! pIERRE Absolument. Like you have died and gone to...to... jACQUES May I assume, monsieur, that you did not order any flies in your soufflé? cuSTOMER You may assume that, yes. pIERRE That is a "no"? cuSTOMER Most definitely no. jACQUES Pierre, s'il vous plaît, inspect monsieur's soufflé, tout de suite! pIERRE D'accord. (PIERRE dashes to the kitchen) jACQUES This soufflé will have NO flies, monsieur! cUSTOMER Yes...thank you. Really, what I most desire... jACQUES You have a desire, monsieur? cUSTOMER Yes. jACQUES You need only ask. cUSTOMER A soup. A soup, please. One without the fly. jACQUES Of course. You would like your soup returned to it's original fly free condition. If you will permit me, I can remove the fly...unharmed, of course... cUSTOMER Why would I...eh? Are you saying...? (PIERRE returns in a flash) pIERRE This soufflé will have NO FLIES! jACQUES Excellent, Pierre. pIERRE I have seen to it! (Beat, then...) The chef was quite upset. cUSTOMER Upset? I didn't want to upset the chef. jACQUES Nonsense! It is your right to upset the chef. You have a grievance. Don't concern yourself with this chef, monsieur. He is insignificant. pIERRE As insignificant as a... jACQUES Perhaps I should KILL him! pIERRE Insignificant as a... cUSTOMER I don't wish for you to kill anybody...not the waiter, not the chef, not the fly. pIERRE Ahh, monsieur, you have the heart of a saint. cUSTOMER Thank you. jACQUES Why on earth would I kill the fly? pIERRE You forgive them all. jACQUES Incroyable. pIERRE To forgive is...is... cUSTOMER Yes, very well, thank you. pIERRE To forgive is... jACQUES "...is bovine." cUSTOMER "...is sublime." jACQUES Ahh oui, sublime. Merci, monsieur. How silly of me. A cow is not sublime. pIERRE No, I don't think that's it. jACQUES Pierre! You contradict the customer? PIERRE Not at all. It does not sound correct: "to forgive is sublime." jACQUES Absurd. Is it not sublime to forgive? PIERRE Yes, of course, but... jACQUES I will...KILL you! (JACQUES starts to throttle PIERRE) cUSTOMER Please! Please! Please! Garçons! jACQUES (Taking a pause) Oui? pIERRE Oui, monsieur? cUSTOMER This is outrageous! Unbelievable! jACQUES (Taking his hands off PIERRE's neck) But of course. cUSTOMER And the fly has flown away! pIERRE What? jACQUES You...stupid! You have scared away monsieur's fly! pIERRE I am ashamed, monsieur. cuSTOMER Unless he's sunk to the bottom. pIERRE Allow me, monsieur. (PIERRE fishes around in the soup with his finger) This fly is gone. jACQUES Of course this fly is gone...because you are too loud. You are a loud, sweaty man, and this fly is gone. Of course. He has flown the coup...his petite wings heavy with soup! pIERRE It's cold. My soup is cold. jACQUES Cold! Incroyable! This is not a cold soup. pIERRE It's shameful! jACQUES Monsieur, would you agree that this soup should not be cold? cUSTOMER Yes. No! I don't want cold soup. jACQUES Very well. Pierre, what are you waiting for? Rapidement! A fresh bowl of piping hot soup for the gentleman. pIERRE Right away! (PIERRE starts to leave) cuSTOMER (Relieved) Thank you. jACQUES Wait! pIERRE Wait! jACQUES Monsieur, would you like your soup...piping hot? cUSTOMER Piping? jACQUES Scalding, fiery, blistering? cUSTOMER Well... jACQUES Peut-être, lukewarm...tepid. So you don't burn your petite tongue? cUSTOMER I don't want to burn my tongue...but I don't want to take a bath in it. jACQUES As the fly has! (JACQUES and PIERRE laugh in short staccato bursts) Say no more, monsieur. Your soup will be perfect. Pierre, tout de suite! piERRE Oui! (PIERRE starts to leave again) jACQUES And Pierre... pIERRE Oui? jACQUES Sans la mouche!!!
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF PLAY) |
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