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COWBOY SOUTH OF HOUSTON Edited for a High School Audience By Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 1995,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: February, 1999)
"COWBOY SOUTH OF HOUSTON"
BY STEPHEN BITTRICH
SETTING:
An art gallery in Soho, Manhattan.
AT RISE:
RAPUNZEL, a Soho artist, stands down left center staring forward blankly into space. JIMMY, a tourist from Texas, enters down left. HE looks forward at an imaginary square four feet in front of him; HE makes a sour face. HE looks to his right, notices RAPUNZEL and slides over beside her--not too close. HE looks at another imaginary square now directly in front of him, steps back, squints his eyes, turns his head sideways, steps forward two steps to get close, and looks at a spot just below the lower right hand corner of this imaginary square. HE looks up, squints his eyes again, looks again below right of the square, steps back and shakes his head.
JIMMY
Damn.
RAPUNZEL
(Without breaking her blank stare)
"Bloody Sneeze."
(HE looks at her in surprise. Then HE turns again to the square, squints--a light bulb comes on in his head--)
JIMMY
(Nodding
Yep. Yeah. . . hot dern.
(HE steps back, goes behind her to look at another imaginary square to her right. This square is more massive than the previous two. It's too big to take in. HE steps back, then starts his same squinting routine)
RAPUNZEL
"Castration at Dawn."
(JIMMY does a double-take to her, then looks again at the square. An expression of horror slowly seeps over his face)
JIMMY
Oh man.
(Beat)
Makes ya wanna lose yer lunch.
RAPUNZEL
(Pleased)
Yes.
JIMMY
(Looking down right of this square)
Twenty-two hundred! Twenty-two hundred! Hot dern. That's gotta be a misprint, huh?
(HE looks at the square again and winces)
JIMMY (CONTINUED)
Twenty-two hundred!
(HE goes back to her square and again looks to the lower right of it)
Well, I'll be. It ain't a misprint. Look at this one! Two-thousand! Two-thousand for a dern bloody sneeze!
RAPUNZEL
It's a farce, really.
JIMMY
You'd have ta be crazy.
(Beat)
I mean--would you--?
RAPUNZEL
No, I wouldn't.
JIMMY
No, ma'am. Damn straight.
(Beat)
It's not like it takes any--ya know, anybody could--
RAPUNZEL
A monkey could do it.
JIMMY
Well, shoot, I could do it. All ya gotta do is take a brush, dip it in some paint and--
(HE flicks his wrist at the square)
RAPUNZEL
You think that's paint?
JIMMY
Oh yeah, it's. . . well. . . you don't think that's--
(HE looks up close)
Naaah.
(HE looks down at the lower right corner again)
Bloody Sneeze. Yeah, like it's real blood. Dudn't even look like a bloody sneeze, if ya ask me.
RAPUNZEL
Yeah? What would you call it?
JIMMY
(After a beat; squinting)
"Oooops."
RAPUNZEL
(Coming out of her trance and seriously considering this prospect with some excitement)
"Oooops"! Yeah. Yeah! "Oooops in Red."
(SHE takes out a felt tip pen, squats beside the "painting" and begins to write on the label at the lower right corner. JIMMY looks around the gallery anxiously)
JIMMY
Hey. Now Miss--?
RAPUNZEL
Keep an eye out for me. "Oooops in Red." I like it!
(Indicating the price)
What about this?
JIMMY
What?
RAPUNZEL
Two thousand? You wouldn't go that high?
JIMMY
I wouldn't pay two bits for it.
RAPUNZEL
How about one bit?
JIMMY
(Chuckling)
Yeah, okay.
RAPUNZEL
(Writing it in)
One bit.
JIMMY
Lady, you got some nerve.
RAPUNZEL
I know.
(Finished, SHE stands)
There. "Oooops--in Red."
JIMMY
(Looking around)
I think you got away with it.
RAPUNZEL
(Moving left)
How about this one?
JIMMY
Now, don't go doin' any more writin'.
RAPUNZEL
What would you call it?
JIMMY
I wouldn't call it anything.
RAPUNZEL
But you know what? You know what you have to do? You have to see it from--they hung it wrong. Completely wrong.
JIMMY
Looks straight to me.
(SHE lies on the floor)
JIMMY (Continued)
You gotta be kiddin' me.
RAPUNZEL
Come down here.
JIMMY
Yeah, right.
RAPUNZEL
I am not lying. They hung it wrong. You have to see it from the floor. There should be signs up or something.
(Semi-seductively)
Come on down here, Cowboy.
JIMMY
Now be serious.
RAPUNZEL
Now don't be a sissy.
JIMMY
A sissy--I ain't.
RAPUNZEL
Well, come on. Please, pretty please. I'll give you a big kiss.
JIMMY
Makes more sense down there, huh?
RAPUNZEL
It's as clear as the universe.
JIMMY
(HE looks around)
Well, all right.
(HE lies down beside her)
This is real stupid.
RAPUNZEL
Give a chance, Partner.
JIMMY
You work here or something?
RAPUNZEL
Concentrate!
(HE concentrates. After a pause--)
JIMMY
Looks like bovines in heat.
(SHE bursts into hilarious laughter)
JIMMY
Did I get it right?
RAPUNZEL
(Still laughing)
Perfect!
JIMMY
Shoot, I kinda like that one.
RAPUNZEL
What's your name, Partner?
JIMMY
Jimmy.
RAPUNZEL
Jimmy? Zel.
JIMMY
Zel?
RAPUNZEL
Z-E-L.
(THEY shake hands from this prone position)
JIMMY
Pleased ta meet you.
RAPUNZEL
So, Jimmy, with tongue or without?
JIMMY
What?
RAPUNZEL
That kiss I promised.
JIMMY
(Popping up)
Well, you don't have ta, no, you don't have ta do that.
RAPUNZEL
(Getting up as well)
A promise is a promise.
JIMMY
Zel, really, you don't have to--oh, all right.
(HE takes her off guard as HE suddenly kisses her--passionately--now with reckless abandon for the gallery owners or any of the patrons. Then just as abruptly--HE quits and turns his attention back to the painting. SHE stands there a little stunned)
JIMMY
Yep, that's a winner there.
RAPUNZEL
"The Beast with Two Backs."
JIMMY
Say what?
RAPUNZEL
That's the real title.
JIMMY
It is?
(HE looks down at the tag at the bottom)
RAPUNZEL
But I'm changing it to "Bovines in Heat."
(Handing him the pen)
Here, go ahead and change it.
JIMMY
I ain't gonna change it.
RAPUNZEL
It's okay. You can. I'm the one who painted it.
JIMMY
You--? You're "Rapunzel?"
RAPUNZEL
Zel for short.
JIMMY
And you painted all--?
(Beat)
Oh, man. I'm real sorry, Miss.
RAPUNZEL
Zel.
JIMMY
Zel. Aw shoot, I'm real sorry.
(Indicating the "Bovines" painting)
Zel, I like this one. . . on the floor.
RAPUNZEL
Now don't be lying, Jimmy. We just got started.
JIMMY
Zel, for real, I think this one's real nice. How much is it?
(Looking--it's too much for this Cowboy)
Three thousand.
RAPUNZEL
How much would you pay?
JIMMY
Well, uh, now that I know how to appreciate it better--like a true arteest--
RAPUNZEL
Tell the truth, Jimmy.
JIMMY
I really don't know.
RAPUNZEL
Would you pay two bits?
JIMMY
Oh, yeah, sure--
RAPUNZEL
Sold!
JIMMY
Now, come on--
RAPUNZEL
Two bits.
JIMMY
Zel, this is worth--this is valuable. You could make a lot--somebody's gonna buy this one, Zel.
RAPUNZEL
Nobody's buying anything, Jimmy. Nobody's buying anything. Nobody's even looking. This show is a complete disaster.
JIMMY
You shoulda got 'em down on the floor here.
(SHE doesn't appreciate the joke)
JIMMY (Continued)
Zel, I don't know diddle-dee-squat about art, okay? I'm from Texas. I mean, ta me them velvet Elvises you can buy in the K-Mart parkin' lot back home are as good as Picasso's.
RAPUNZEL
Velvet--?
JIMMY
The reason I came in Zel, was cause I saw you standin' there from outside. You were starin' at that Castration at Dawn like it was the center of the universe, and you looked like some kinda beautiful, perfect worka art yerself. And that's why I came in. Ta get a better look. But now that I'm here, Zel, and now that I understand this Two Backin' Beast a little better--I think it's about the best damn painting I ever saw. And I'm tellin' the God's honest truth.
RAPUNZEL
You are so sweet. I could just lasso you by the feet and hog tie you.
JIMMY
You are gonna make it, Zel. You just keep painting. And don't ever give up. And don't ever sell yerself short. These are priceless.
RAPUNZEL
Jimmy.
JIMMY
Yes.
RAPUNZEL
Jimmy, you're not riding back to Texas right away or anything are you? I've got this mondo idea having to do with velvet, and I need you to pose.
JIMMY
You need me ta--
RAPUNZEL
--Pose.
(Mini-beat)
Would you? Please, pretty please?
JIMMY
Zel?
RAPUNZEL
Yes?
JIMMY
I can keep my boots on?
RAPUNZEL
Jimmy. . . you must keep your boots on.
JIMMY
Then you got a deal.
(SHE smiles at him as the lights fade quickly to black)
(END OF PLAY)