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CORYBUNGUS Edited for a High School Audience By Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 1991,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: January, 1999)
"CORYBUNGUS"
BY STEPHEN BITTRICH
SETTING:
A large, over-priced bookstore on Fifth Avenue in Manhattan.
AT RISE:
The RETURNS COUNTER WORKER (could be played by man or woman) is busily organizing books behind the Returns Counter. MR. WEINER comes in lugging all the volumes of the Oxford English Dictionary. HE steps up to the counter and begins drumming his fingers noisily.
RETURNS COUNTER
Yes sir, how may I help you?
MR. WEINER
I've got a defective O-E-D.
RETURNS COUNTER
I'm very sorry, sir. And what exactly is a defective O-E-D?
(MR. WEINER slams the O-E-D down on the counter)
RETURNS COUNTER (Continued)
Ah yes, the Oxford English Dictionary.
MR. WEINER
O-E-D.
RETURNS COUNTER
Yes, I see. And what exactly is the matter with your O-E-D, sir?
MR. WEINER
It's missing words.
RETURNS COUNTER
Really? Missing--
MR. WEINER
Missing words.
RETURNS COUNTER
I see. Well, what kinds of words is it missing, exactly?
MR. WEINER
All kinds of words.
RETURNS COUNTER
Hmmmm, well, is the book missing pages? Is that the way in which it's defec--
MR. WEINER
Just words!
RETURNS COUNTER
Aaaaall right, well, did you want to exchange the book, sir, or receive store cred--?
MR. WEINER
Exchange.
RETURNS COUNTER
Of course, of course. Allow me to just--
(The RETURNS COUNTER speaks into a phone--)
Roger, please send up a copy of the Oxford English Dictionary--
right away.
MR. WEINER
(Under his breath)
O-E-D.
RETURNS COUNTER
Well, sir, that book will be sent right up.
(MR. WEINER sighs heavily and looks at his watch)
RETURNS COUNTER (Continued)
Well. . . if I may ask, sir, what words did you find missing from your. . . O-E-D?
MR. WEINER
I couldn't find "corybungus."
RETURNS COUNTER
You don't say.
MR. WEINER
Yes, I do.
RETURNS COUNTER
"Corybungus."
MR. WEINER
It isn't in there. Look for yourself.
RETURNS COUNTER
No, no, I believe you.
MR. WEINER
I mean, there's really no point of having an O-E-D if it's missing important words.
RETURNS COUNTER
Of course.
(Beat)
Now, what exactly does "corybungus" mean? I don't know that one.
MR. WEINER
You think I made it up?
RETURNS COUNTER
I believe you! I just don't know the word.
MR. WEINER
(Condescendingly)
Oh really? Well, I find it embarrassing to say.
RETURNS COUNTER
Oh, it's. . . it's an embarrassing word?
MR. WEINER
Well, I really don't know you well.
RETURNS COUNTER
No.
MR. WEINER
I find it embarrassing to say.
RETURNS COUNTER
Of course.
MR. WEINER
(After a beat)
Bum.
RETURNS COUNTER
Excuse me?
MR. WEINER
Bum! Derriere! Posterior! Butt! OKAY?
RETURNS COUNTER
(Embarrassed; looking around the store)
Oh. . . I see. That's corybungus.
MR. WEINER
Yes.
RETURNS COUNTER
I never heard that one.
MR. WEINER
Well, it's a biggy.
RETURNS COUNTER
Yes.
(Beat)
Sir, do you suppose that corybungus will be in the dictionary they're sending up?
MR. WEINER
Why not?
RETURNS COUNTER
Well--
MR. WEINER
You trying to unload defective dictionaries?
RETURNS COUNTER
No, no, not to my knowledge.
MR. WEINER
Because I could shop some place else.
RETURNS COUNTER
Sir, I'm not suggesting that in the least. It's just that, I was thinking, perhaps corybungus might be considered to be too much of a. . . colloquialism to be included in the--
MR. WEINER
Colloquialism? What do I look like--some sassifersing hick?
RETURNS COUNTER
No sir, I didn't mean--
MR. WEINER
Corybungus! Corybungus!
RETURNS COUNTER
Sir!
MR. WEINER
I'll have you know Shakespeare used corybungus in Coriolanus.
RETURNS COUNTER
No!
MR. WEINER
Act 5, Scene 2, Line 77. Corybungus! "I beg you take withal my wanton heart/But touch you not my virgin Corybungus."
RETURNS COUNTER
Really?
MR. WEINER
Milton used corybungus at least twice in Paradise Lost.
RETURNS COUNTER
Milton?
MR. WEINER
CORYBUNGUS IS IMPORTANT!
RETURNS COUNTER
Please, sir, you don't need to shout.
MR. WEINER
Oh? And what makes you so blankyfrank snifferudinous?
RETURNS COUNTER
Snifferud--
MR. WEINER
You don't pay my disturbennents. I pay my own! I don't have to take juppers from you.
RETURNS COUNTER
Look, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave if you--!
MR. WEINER
Leave? You smelly corybungus!
RETURNS COUNTER
Now don't you call me that!
MR. WEINER
Corybungus! Corybungus! Your mother's got barnicrusts on her blankity ricks!
RETURNS COUNTER
Look you--you--! If you want your money back--
MR. WEINER
Trilly frilly poopoopunks on her dangustrucks--
RETURNS COUNTER
You'll have to show me a receipt--
MR. WEINER
Receipt?
RETURNS COUNTER
Otherwise, I'll have security escort you out right now.
MR. WEINER
Here's my receipt.
(The RETURNS COUNTER snatches the receipt)
RETURNS COUNTER
This wasn't bought here.
MR. WEINER
I know that.
RETURNS COUNTER
YOU CAN'T RETURN A BOOK YOU DIDN'T BUY HERE!
MR. WEINER
Why not? You do have the O-E-D, don't you?
RETURNS COUNTER
THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT! YOU CAN'T EXCHANGE--
MR. WEINER
Corybungushead.
RETURNS COUNTER
GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!
(Picks up the intercom)
SECURITY TO THE RETURNS DESK! SECURITY TO THE RETURNS DESK!
MR. WEINER
Oh, don't get your ziddles in an uproar. I'm leaving.
RETURNS COUNTER
I don't want to see you in here again!
MR. WEINER
(Leaving)
I would never shop here anyway.
RETURNS COUNTER
And there's no such word as corybungus!
MR. WEINER
"And there rose from the forbidding sea the great white Leviathan--as white as the whitest of corybungi in our swarthy crew."
RETURNS COUNTER
I don't want to hear it!
MR. WEINER
Moby Dick.
RETURNS COUNTER
You're outta here, pal!
MR. WEINER
(Fading away as HE walks out the door)
"I think that I shall never see,/A corybungus as on thee--/So round, so firm, so like the moon,/On winter morn, when sings the loon."
RETURNS COUNTER
(Into the phone)
Roger, cancel that O-E-D. And Roger, while I've got you on, look up the word, "Corybungus."
(The lights fade to black)
(END OF PLAY)