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BRAIN SUCKING

A Ten-Minute Play

(Great for High Schools,
Colleges, and Universities)

By Stephen Bittrich

5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com

 Copyright © 1992,
by Stephen Bittrich

Finalist in Actor's Theatre of Louisville's
1994 Ten Minute Play Contest.

Performed at Actor's Theatre of Louisville
in December, 1994.

Published in Dramatics Magazine, April 1995.

Expanded into full-length, Home of the Great Pecan.

(Please note that there is a licensing fee due if you want to perform this play before an audience.)

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                                   "BRAIN SUCKING"

                                   BY STEPHEN BITTRICH

            SETTING:

                                   A large back porch out in the country
                                   near Seguin, Texas in Guadalupe County.

            AT RISE:

                                   The crickets chirp loudly.  ED and
                                   GREELEY, real Texas men who know how to
                                   relax, take in the star-lit night and
                                   experience the crickets. After a bit of
                                   "experiencing," GREELEY speaks--


                                   GREELEY
            Ed?

                                   ED
            Yeah, Greeley.

                                   GREELEY
            Crickets sure are perky.

                                   ED
            Yep.
                          (Pause.  Crickets chirp)

                                   GREELEY
            Ed?

                                   ED
            Yeah, Greeley.

                                   GREELEY
            Whatta you spose those crickets are talkin' about?
                          (ED listens)

                                   ED
            Mostly cricket matters, I guess.

                                   GREELEY
            Yep.
                          (Pause.  Crickets)
            Ed?
                          (Beat)
            Ever had yer brain sucked out through yer nose?

                                   ED
                          (After a beat)
            Nope.

                                   GREELEY
            Messy prospect.
                          (The crickets chirp)
            I'm not myself tonight, Ed.

                                   ED
            The frijoles?

                                   GREELEY
            Tammie saw this flying saucer land over't her field the other
            night.

                                   ED
            I heard.

                                   GREELEY
            Most folks are saying since her husband left in '85 she's
            been a little off.

                                   ED
            Yep.

                                   GREELEY
            They don't put much credence in the flying saucer thang.
                          (Beat)
            But it's true, Ed.
                          (Beat)
            I come from the planet Yah, twenty million, million earth
            miles away.  My planet is warm and moist, and a zillion
            species of plant exist throughout our world.  We, my species,
            are partly plants ourselves--Pod People.  We sleep just below
            the dank soil by night and bask in the life-giving sun by
            day.  Our sun-star is our god, but, according to mythology,
            our sun is doomed to explode and evaporate our planet in the
            Yah Year twenty- twenty-two--this earth year.  Our scientists
            have confirmed this legend, so we have searched the galaxies
            far and wide for a new god.  We have arrived on your planet,
            and now we worship your sun.  In order to integrate ourselves
            into your society, we inhabit your earth bodies by attaching
            our pods to your faces and entering your brain cavities
            through the nose.  Our eventual aim is the total annihilation
            of your species.  Then we will re- adjust the orbit of earth
            to create a more tropical climate.

                                   ED
                          (After a beat)
            You fart?

                                   GREELEY
            The beans.

                                   ED
            Damn.  Potent son-of-a-bitch.
                          (Crickets)

                                   GREELEY
            "Why Seguin, Texas?" you may ask.  Little too dry for our
            pods, you may thank.  After careful scientific observation,
            our Yah- ian fleet was directed to Acapulco, Mexico because
            it was concluded to possess the tropical climate which we are
            most comfortable in. . . but I had saucer failure over Dallas
            and had to make a crash landing here.
                          (Short pause.  Crickets)
            As is well known, last month, the one called Greeley, the one
            which I now am, became engaged to be married to this Tammie
            Lynn Schneider. 

                                   ED
            Yep.  Clipped the picture outta the Gazette.

                                   GREELEY
            This Greeley, however, still has not come up with the two
            thousand to buy the long anticipated 14
            carat/gold/diamond/ruby ring over't Dietz's Diamonds yet.

                                   ED
            Emma Dietz says she's expectin' it.

                                   GREELEY
            As is well known, the long awaited, often spoken of "ring
            presenting fanfare" was to take place on the Corral Dance
            floor last Saturday night after a well publicized "surprise"
            announcement from the celebrated local country sensation,
            Candy Land of Candy Land and the Goolaks.

                                   ED
            Yep.

                                   GREELEY
                          (After a beat)
            That tragic Saturday night, when this one, Greeley, arrived
            at Tammie Schneider's place out on One-twenty-three Bypass,
            he first stopped into her greenhouse out back the house where
            I, the Pod Pers--

                                   ED
            Why?

                                   GREELEY
            Huh?

                                   ED
            Why'd he go back there first?

                                   GREELEY
            Uh. . . to check the Rhododendrons he gave her.

                                   ED
            Okay, I'll buy it.

                                   GREELEY
            There, sleeping among the ivy and the ferns, was I, the Pod
            Person.  Greeley, a well-known plant enthusiast and long time
            employee of Norma Green's Thumb, caught me out of the corner
            of his eye and gasped at the sight of my glorious red and
            violet leaves.  Being an inquisitive rascal, and despite
            having seen Alien five times at the Dixie Drive-in, he
            scooched up close and leaned over my pod to get a closer
            look.  I could smell his squishy, warm brains, and before he
            could cry out, I grappled my thorny vines on to his face.

                                   ED
            Thorny?

                                   GREELEY
            Sticky?  Gooey?

                                   ED
            Gooey.

                                   GREELEY
            I grappled my gooey vines on to his face.  Of course, he
            missed his date that night without a word.  My incubation
            period takes a full eight hours.  For a full eight hours this
            one--Greeley-- blindly wandered the dull, black Texas night
            as the pod attached to his face slowly sucked out his brains.

                                   ED
            Surprised it took a full eight.

                                   GREELEY
            At four o'clock in the morning the transformation was
            complete. The spent and wrinkled pod-shell dropped off, and I
            was ready to experience this new world and sample human
            pleasures.

                                   ED
            First stop:  Seven-Eleven.

                                   GREELEY
            For a Slurpy and a six pack of Lone Star.  Much to my
            surprise, the check out girl, Wendy, was friendly.  She knew
            this Greeley. Knew him well.  Well enough to let him cop a
            feel back in the video game room--right between the Ninja
            Turtles and Altered Beast.

                                   ED
            They still got Pac Man?

                                   GREELEY
            This encounter with human delights was inadvertently observed
            by the Seven-Eleven manager, Miss Nosy Rosy Stadtmueller, who
            made an unannounced and previously unprecedented after hours
            visit to tabulate the register receipts.

                                   ED
            Yep.  I heard.

                                   GREELEY
                          (After a beat)
            This gossipy, nosy society is not understood by we Yah-ians.

                                   ED
            Welcome to Texas, Bud.
                          (Pause.  Crickets)

                                   GREELEY
            It's not this Greeley's fault.  What was Greeley is now
            digested and only a shadow of him remains.  Petty human
            emotions hold no importance for we Yah-ians.

                                   ED
            Ate his whole damn brain, huh?

                                   GREELEY
            That's the only way to occupy the host.

                                   ED
            Now, can you suck out other brains?  Or are you limited to
            one brain per Pod Person?

                                   GREELEY
            You mean, could I come over there, as I am--Pod-less--Pod
            free-- as it were, and suck out yer brain?

                                   ED
            Yeah, or say Ross Perot's or something.
                          (THEY guffaw)

                                   GREELEY
            Yes, I could.

                                   ED
            So it's an all you can eat type deal.

                                   GREELEY
            Well, if say I found a more inviting host, I could switch,
            but then I'd have to exit the former body which would shrivel
            up and wither away--just as my pod did.

                                   ED
            Makes sense.

                                   GREELEY
            But that would be such a terrible waste of male virility.
                          (THEY guffaw.  Pause. 
                           Crickets.  GREELEY turns
                           serious)

                                   GREELEY (cont'd)
            Crickets have it easy, Ed.

                                   ED
            Yep.

                                   GREELEY (CONTINUED)
                          (After a beat)
            Think she'll buy it?

                                   ED
            Not a snowball's chance in hell, Greeley.

                          (Crickets for three beats and a
                           quick blackout)


                          (END OF PLAY)

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