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HOME OF THE GREAT PECAN A Full-Length Play By Stephen Bittrich GO TO BROADWAY PLAY PUBLISHING FOR A COPY.
EXCERPTS ONLY.
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright ©
by Stephen Bittrich
EXCERPT #1
ACT ONE
PRE-SHOW
"'TIS THE SEASON"
BEFORE THE CURTAIN:
Before the curtain goes up, there will
be a certain amount of Texas related
pre-show music. At the proper time
when all audience members have been
seated, a song by Candee Land will
precede the following voice over,
signalling the official start of the
play. [Author's Note - Candee Land,
who is a real performer from Seguin,
Texas, active in the 80's can be
substituted with a fictional name if
needbe; however, I suggest her version
of "The Strength of my Weakness" from
the album "Music of Candee Land."]
JOHNNY JOHNS (V.O.)
Hey Folks, this is Johnny Johns over at K-W-A-D radio. It's
a beautiful, warm October night, and you've been listening to
the golden voice of Seguin's own [Candee Land]...a homegrown
sensation. We're as proud as can be to claim her as our own.
(Short beat)
Speakin' of homegrown sensations, it's about that time of
year, folks. They're startin' ta fall off the trees like
hail stones 'bout now, and that can only mean one thing, the
Hunderd and Second Annual Pecan Festival, culminating in the
crowning of the lucky Pecan Queen.
(Short beat)
So get on out there and getchu a bucket full of those tasty
morsels...cuz after this next song, Aileen Rottweiler's gonna
come on the air and share with ya'll a family secret passed
down through three generations...her blue ribbon winnin'
pecan pie recipe. Mmmmmm, boy! Might wanna getchu a pen and
paper while I play this next song...
(Texas MUSIC will fade into...)
ACT ONE
SCENE 1
"BRAIN SUCKING"
SETTING:
A clear, warm Saturday night. A large
back porch out in the country near
Seguin, Texas in Guadalupe County.
AT RISE:
The crickets chirp loudly. ED (Actor
E) and GREELEY (Actor G), real Texas
men who know how to relax, take in the
star-lit night and experience the
crickets. After a bit of
"experiencing," GREELEY speaks--
GREELEY
Ed?
ED
Yeah, Greeley.
GREELEY
Crickets sure are perky tonight.
ED
Yep.
(Pause. Crickets chirp)
GREELEY
Ed?
ED
Yeah, Greeley.
GREELEY
Whatta you spose those crickets are talkin' about?
(ED listens)
ED
Mostly cricket matters, I guess.
GREELEY
Yep.
(Crickets)
Ed?
(Beat)
Ever had yer brain sucked out through yer nose?
ED
(After a beat)
Nope.
GREELEY
Messy prospect.
(The crickets chirp)
GREELEY (CONTINUED)
(Continued)
I'm not myself tonight, Ed.
ED
The frijoles?
GREELEY
Tammie saw this flying saucer land over't her field the other
night.
ED
I heard.
GREELEY
Most folks are saying since her husband left in '81 she's
been a little off.
ED
Yep.
GREELEY
They don't put much credence in the flying saucer thang.
(Beat)
But it's true, Ed.
(Beat; special vocal attention
should be given to the alien
word, "Yah")
I come from the planet Yah, twenty million, million earth
miles away. My planet is warm and moist, and a zillion
species of plant exist throughout our world. We, my species,
are partly plants ourselves--Pod People. We sleep just below
the dank soil by night and bask in the life-giving sun by
day. Our sun-star is our god, but, according to mythology,
our sun is doomed to explode and evaporate our planet in the
Yah Year twenty-twenty-two--this earth year. Our scientists
have confirmed this legend, so we have searched the galaxies
far and wide for a new god. We have arrived on your planet,
and now we worship your sun. In order to integrate ourselves
into your society, we inhabit your earth bodies by attaching
our pods to your faces and entering your brain cavities
through the nose. Our eventual aim is the total annihilation
of your species. Then we will re-adjust the orbit of earth
to create a more tropical climate.
ED
(After a beat)
You fart?
GREELEY
The beans.
ED
Damn. Potent som-bitch.
(Crickets)
GREELEY
"Why Seguin, Texas?" you may ask. Little too dry for our
pods, you might thank. After careful scientific observation,
our Yahian fleet was directed to Acapulco, Mexico, because it
was concluded to possess the tropical climate which we are
most comfortable in...but I had saucer failure over Dallas
and had to make a crash landing here.
(Crickets)
GREELEY
As is well known, last month, the one called Greeley, the one
which I now am, became engaged to be married to this Tammie
Lynn Schneider.
ED
Yep. Clipped the picture outta the Gazette.
GREELEY
This Greeley, however, still has not come up with the two
thousand to buy the long anticipated 14
carat/gold/diamond/ruby ring over't Dietz's Diamonds yet.
ED
Emma Dietz says she's expectin' it.
GREELEY
As is also well known, the long awaited, often spoken of
"ring presenting fanfare" was to take place on the Corral
Dance floor last night, "Frijole Friday," after a well
publicized "surprise" announcement from the celebrated local
country sensation, Candee Land of Candy Land and the Goolaks.
ED
Yep.
GREELEY
(After a beat)
That tragic Friday night, when this one, Greeley, arrived at
Tammie Schneider's place out on One-twenty-three Bypass, he
first stopped into her greenhouse out back the house where I,
the Pod Pers--
ED
Why?
GREELEY
Huh?
ED
Why'd he go back there first?
GREELEY
Uh...to check the Rhododendrons he gave her.
ED
Okay, I'll buy it.
GREELEY
There, sleeping among the ivy and the ferns, was I, the Pod
Person. Greeley, a well-known plant enthusiast and long time
employee of Norma Green's Thumb, caught me out of the corner
of his eye and gasped at the sight of my glorious red and
violet leaves. Being an inquisitive rascal, and despite
having seen Alien five times at the Dixie Drive-in, he
scooched up close to my pod to get a closer look. I could
smell his squishy, warm brains, and before he could cry out,
I grappled my thorny vines on to his face.
ED
Thorny?
GREELEY
Sticky? Gooey.
ED
Gooey.
GREELEY
Of course, he missed his date that night without a word. My
incubation period takes a full eight hours. For a full eight
hours this one--Greeley--blindly wandered the dull, black
Texas night as the pod attached to his face slowly sucked out
his brains.
ED
Surprised it took a full eight.
GREELEY
At four o'clock in the morning the transformation was
complete. The spent and wrinkled pod-shell dropped off, and
I was ready to experience this new world and sample human
pleasures.
ED
First stop: Seven-Eleven.
GREELEY
For a Slurpy and a six pack of Lone Star. Much to my
surprise, the check out girl, Wendy, was friendly. She knew
this Greeley. Knew him well. Well enough to let him cop a
feel back in the video game room--right between Pac Man and
Altered Beast.
ED
I love Pac Man.
GREELEY
This encounter with human delights was inadvertently observed
by the Seven-Eleven manager, Miss Nosy Rosy Stadtmueller, who
made an unannounced and previously unprecedented after hours
visit to tabulate the register receipts.
ED
Yep. I heard.
GREELEY
(After a beat)
This gossipy, nosy society is not understood by we Yahians.
ED
Welcome to Texas, Bud.
GREELEY
It's not this Greeley's fault. What was Greeley is now
digested and only a shadow of him remains. Petty human
emotions hold no importance for we Yahians.
ED
Ate his whole damn brain, huh?
GREELEY
That's the only way to occupy the host.
ED
Now, can you suck out other brains? Or are you limited to
one brain per Pod Person?
GREELEY
You mean, could I come over there, as I am--Pod-less--Pod
free--as it were, and suck out yer brain?
ED
Yep.
GREELEY
Yes, I could.
ED
So it's an all you can eat type deal.
GREELEY
Well, if say I found a more inviting host, I could switch,
but then I'd have to exit the former body which would shrivel
up and wither away--just as my pod did.
ED
Makes sense.
GREELEY
But that would be such a terrible waste of male virility.
(THEY guffaw. Crickets.
GREELEY turns serious)
GREELEY
Crickets have it easy, Ed.
ED
Yep.
GREELEY
(After a beat)
Think she'll buy it?
ED
Not a snowball's chance in hell, Greeley.
(Crickets and blackout)
(END OF SCENE)
EXCERPT #2
SCENE 5
"DUELING SEDUCTIONS"
SETTING:
After church. A dual scene: the
church office and the church parking
lot.
AT RISE:
GREELEY and TAMMIE are having a heated
discussion outside the church. ROSY is
filing some papers away in the church
office.
GREELEY
All right I did it. I came and heard him.
TAMMIE
You heard, but I don't thank you was listenin'.
GREELEY
How could I not listen? It's like he set his podium down
right in fronta me--the slimy, money grubbin' snake.
TAMMIE
You are goin' straight ta hell, and I ain't going with you.
GREELEY
Look I said I was sorry, and I came and sat through a whole
sermon without leaving. I don't know what more you want from
me.
(SHE gives him a disgusted look
and turns her back on him.
REVEREND PAT enters the
office)
ROSY
(Breathily)
I, I filed those papers on your desk Rev-Revrend Pat.
REVEREND PAT
I could not stop thinkin' about you the whole sermon today!
(HE begins to mall her--kissing
her feverishly on the neck and
shoulders)
ROSY
Oh, Rev-Revrend Pat!
TAMMIE
"Sorry's" not a big enough word for what you did.
GREELEY
Look, Tammie, I know I messed thangs up, but the real problem
is, is this--I had a little fender bender last week, do not
alarm yourself--I am fine, but it cost me seven hunerd
dollars just to get a few scratches worked out! Now that in
turn threw me completely offa my schedule ta buy you that two
thousand dollar engagement ring that you have insisted on.
Here you are makin' such a big deal ta every Tom, Dick, or
Felix that'ud listen--about the ring presentin' fanfare!
"Frijole Friday." Be there for the show." And due ta
circumstances beyond my control, I don't have no ring. So
I'm thankin' "I go there Friday night short one ring,
Tammie's gonna look foolish. And she's gonna be mighty
disappointed." I just didn't wanna disappoint you in fronta
all them people.
TAMMIE
That is the lamest excuse of an excuse I ever heard. And it
jes' goes to prove that that truck's more important to you
than I am.
ROSY
Revrend Pat, uh, uh, Revrend Pat. I, uh, Revrend--oh, oh--
(SHE runs away from him around
the desk)
Now les' not get carried away.
REVEREND PAT
I can't help but get carried away by you Miss Rosy. It is
your intoxicating religious purity which has cast a spell on
me. I am as David was for Bathsheba.
ROSY
Bathsheba?
REVEREND PAT
It came to pass in an eveningtide, that I, like David arose
from off my bed, and walked upon the roof of the kings house:
and from the roof I saw a woman washing herself; and the
woman was very beautiful to look upon.
ROSY
What roof would-would this be?
(REVEREND PAT continues to mall
her)
GREELEY
Okay, listen...I was backed into a corner. What was I
supposed ta do? I ain't made of money! I thought you was
marrying me for me. Greeley. I am Greeley, and I ain't no
other.
TAMMIE
Well, if you was backed into a corner, you have tuh back into
a corner over't the Seven Eleven?
GREELEY
It is a sad day in Texas when idle gossip mongers ruin a
promising future of rosy, marital bliss.
ROSY
I'm not sure if this is right, Revrend Pat. You're wife...
REVEREND PAT
(With utmost sincerity)
Rosy, Rosy, you have stoked the fire of my religious fervor.
I am a man who is ensnared in a trap. When I see you before
my glorious organ, magically stroking those keys, shooting
ethereal melodies through those rigid pipes, I feel as if I
could reach out and touch the cloak of God. Yet it says in
the book of James, "Let no man say when he is tempted, 'I am
tempted of God': for God cannot tempt he any man." Yet there
you are, Sweet Virgin, torturously dangled before me every
Sunday. I say to myself, "This divine creature can only be
put here by God and no one else." I am in agony.
ROSY
Agony?
REVEREND PAT
Agony. "Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes
not be burned?" Ah, too late. Too late.
ROSY
But it's not too late...we haven't done anything, Revrend
Pat.
REVEREND PAT
Oh, my sweet, sweet girl, "whosoever looketh on a woman to
lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in
his heart."
(ROSY ponders this one for a
moment)
TAMMIE
Okay, Greeley, I am a Christian, and as such I can forgive.
GREELEY
Oh, thank you, Tammie. That's mighty white-uh you.
ROSY
So even without even doing anything--
REVEREND PAT
--we are already steeped in sin.
TAMMIE
But just because I forgive, don't mean I forget. And there
will be a task for you--a penance.
GREELEY
A--a--say what?
TAMMIE
Somethin' you gotta do ta prove ta me where your loyalties
lie.
ROSY
I think of you too, Revrend Pat.
REVEREND PAT
Poor, sweet dear.
ROSY
I thought they were just thoughts--
REVEREND PAT
--if only they were.
GREELEY
What're we talkin' about here?
TAMMIE
You gotta give me your truck this weekend.
GREELEY
My truck! Why would I give you my truck?
TAMMIE
Cuz' I wanna drive it in the Pecan Parade.
ROSY
The thoughts are already sins. What can we do?
REVEREND PAT
Luckily we are blessed.
ROSY
We are?
(REVEREND PAT crosses to get
his bible)
GREELEY
Tammie, Tammie, you know the Greeley truck creed: "Nobody
but the Greeley drives the truck."
TAMMIE
Nobody?
GREELEY
I'm surprised at you, Tammie. You know my truck creed.
TAMMIE
I know, but I thought maybe you might make an exception
sometime...like there might be special extenuatin'
circumstances when you might break your truck creed.
GREELEY
A creed is a creed, Tammie.
TAMMIE
Like maybe you might like some girl so much you say, "to hell
with the creed, I just wanna get laid."
(GREELEY looks shocked)
REVEREND PAT
We are blessed, Miss Rosy. We who are "the children of
disobedience...in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the
desires of the flesh and of the mind....But God, who is rich
in mercy, even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us
together with Christ...it is the gift of God."
ROSY
Praise the Lord.
(THEY start making out)
GREELEY
Tammie, we have never had sex in the whole two years we've
known each other even though I have begged you repeatedly.
TAMMIE
I'm just speaking like a hypothetical. Would you ever let
anybody else drive for that reason?
GREELEY
Are we talkin' about foolin' around? This weekend, you say?
REVEREND PAT
How about a swim in the baptistry, Miss Rosy?
ROSY
Are you sure?
REVEREND PAT
We have already sinned in our hearts, Miss Rosy. We might as
well enjoy it.
(THEY exit into the baptistry,
losing a few garments as THEY
go)
TAMMIE
How about besides me?
GREELEY
What?
TAMMIE
How about sex with someone else?
GREELEY
Well, you lost me. I thought I was with ya, but--
TAMMIE
Like say, Cynthia Morales.
GREELEY
Cynthia Morales. I don't believe I know any Cynthia Morales.
TAMMIE
That's not what I heard.
GREELEY
Who's she sposed to be?
TAMMIE
Some slut who drove your truck, I heard.
GREELEY
Drove my--! Now somebody's been tellin' you tall tales,
honey pie. You know my creed. My truck creed! Thas just
horse pooky.
TAMMIE
You had better be tellin' me the truth, Greeley.
GREELEY
Tammie, puh-lease.
TAMMIE
You think yer the only fish in the sea? You think yer the
only man interested in me?
GREELEY
(After a brief thought)
Yeah.
TAMMIE
Well, that just ain't true. There are plenty of men
interested in me.
GREELEY
Like who?
TAMMIE
Ed.
(GREELEY can't help but chuckle
at the improbably match)
TAMMIE (CONTINUED)
Thas right...laugh. Jes' laugh. You'll see.
(Lights fade to black)
(END OF SCENE)
EXCERPT #3
SCENE 6
"THE FUTURE PECAN QUEEN"
SETTING:
Sunday, early afternoon. The bathroom
of Priscilla Rottweiler.
AT RISE:
This is a relatively quick change for
Actor R. PRISCILLA (Actor R) is
looking at herself in the mirror.
PRISCILLA
(Presenting a delicate,
thoughtful address)
Thank you. Thank you, one and all. I'd like to thank the
members of the selection committee for this great honor. I
am sure it could not have been an easy decision considering
all of the intelligent, beautiful contenders for the crown--
(As SHE nods to each of the
losers)
--Tawnya Blackhorn, DeAndra Loogan, Cynthia Morales.
Wonderful, wonderful competitors all. I pledge that I will
wear the crown of Pecan Queen with pride and distinction for
the year to come. No thank you speech would be complete
without thanking my dear, dear family--my baby brother, Deke,
my father, head engineer of Structural Metals, Inc.--
(Waving to Daddy)
--hi, Daddy. And lastly, but certainly not leastly, my
mother, who, by example, has taught me the true meaning of
womanhood--
(Priscilla's mother, MRS.
ROTTWEILER--Actor T--knocks on
the bathroom door. Her voice
is muffled)
MRS. ROTTWEILER (O.S.)
Priscilla? Priscilla dear--
PRISCILLA
(Her polite demeanor becoming
absolutely Satanic)
WHAAAAAAAT! I'm practicing my speech for Christsake!
MRS. ROTTWEILER (O.S.)
Supper's ready, honey.
PRISCILLA
Oh, for the love of God, Mother, just start without me!
MRS. ROTTWEILER (O.S.)
I fixed that low fat meatloaf just like you wanted.
PRISCILLA
I'm in the middle of my speech! I'll be down in a minute!
Comprende inglese?
MRS. ROTTWEILER
Okie dokie, honey.
(PRISCILLA lets loose a huge,
painful sigh, as SHE tries to
recompose that sweet, dutiful
demeanor)
PRISCILLA
Hi, Daddy. Hi, Daddy.
(SHE can't quite remember what
comes next, so SHE takes a
deep breath, and until it
comes to her)
Hi, Daddy. And lastly, but certainly not leastly, my mother,
who by example has taught me the true meaning of womanhood.
Je t'aime, ma mere. I think it was that wise philosopher,
Camus, who said, "This is the dog's dick."
(Beat)
Oh, my. Did I just say, "dick"? Mercy me. I have just said
"dick" and turned you all into horny toads. Dick, dick,
dick. Dog's dick.
(Like SHE is doing a newsflash)
"Pecan Queen shocks the world--says 'dick' in front of an
adoring crowd of onlookers." Now that I'm Pecan Queen, there
are going to be a few changes around here. First of all,
DeAndra Loogan, you will carry my train for the entire year-
always following a respectful twenty-eight steps behind. I
have a veeery long train.
(PRISCILLA's little brother,
DEKE--Actor G--knocks at the
door)
PRISCILLA
WHAAAAAT?
DEKE (O.S.)
I gotta pee.
PRISCILLA
So go in a bottle, that's why you got that little wiener.
DEKE (O.S.)
It's supper anyway.
PRISCILLA
Leave me alone, you little retard. I'm practicing my speech.
DEKE (O.S.)
I gotta go.
PRISCILLA
Go--down--STAIRS!! Why do you think we have three bathrooms?
DEKE (O.S.)
Priss.
PRISCILLA
Geek!
(Beat)
Oh, oh, my dear fans! To subject you to such ugliness is
such an unthinkable breech of etiquette. Where was I? Ah,
yes, of course. This will be the year when the Pecan Queen
makes a difference. This will be the year when the Pecan
Queen takes some action--solves World Hunger. World Peace.
And combats gaucherie in all its forms. This I promise.
(PRISCILLA waves and nods to
the masses in the mirror.
Lights fade to black)
(END OF SCENE)