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THE SPECIMEN A Short Screenplay By Stephen Bittrich click here to see the film!
459 Columbus Avenue, #240
New York, NY 10024
Tel: (212) 579-3015
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2002,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: September, 2002)
"THE SPECIMEN" By Stephen Bittrich 1 EXT. THE "HAPPY FAMILY" FERTILITY OFFICE - STREET - DAY CLOSE UP on sign which reads "HAPPY FAMILY FERTILITY CLINIC. CLOSE UP on our hero, ROGER, slight look of dread upon his face, as he reads the sign and enters the office. 2 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - RECEPTION/WAITING AREA - DAY Entering the waiting room, Roger notices instantly a LESBIAN COUPLE and an attractive, serene, one-with-the-universe PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN who doesn't even look up. Behind the reception desk is NURSE BUCHET, a tough cookie, wearing a name tag. She is reading a copy of Cosmo. Roger clears his throat, and she looks up from her magazine in no real hurry. NURSE BUCHET Yes? ROGER Yes...hello...Miss... He tries to focus in on her name tag. NURSE BUCHET (pronounced Boo-shay) Buchet. It's French. ROGER Ah, lovely. I'm, uh, I have an appointment here today to...to drop off...for a deposit. NURSE BUCHET Name? ROGER Roger Hanjorg. She checks her roster and announces too loudly-- NURSE BUCHET Semen analysis. Everyone in reception looks up. NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D) Fill this out. She tosses him a clipboard stacked with papers. He sits down and begins filling out forms. Someone in the other room MOANS loudly. Roger looks up sharply, but everyone else ignores and continues to read their magazines. A macho, FERTILE looking GUY comes out of the main office with his arm around a very pretty-in-a-slutty-sort-of-way girl we'll call GUM GIRL. From Roger's POV, CLOSE UP on GUM GIRL's pouty lips as she puts her gum back into her mouth. Fertile Guy and Gum Girl exchange knowing laughs as Fertile Guy hands Nurse Buchet a very large specimen cup. She holds it up to the light. It's filled to the brim with a white lotion-esque substance. NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D) Nice. The man grins like the Cheshire Cat, kisses Gum Girl's hand, and is on his merry way. He smiles at the Pretty Young Woman in the waiting area on the way out. She smiles back...impressed. Strangely, Gum Girl doesn't leave with the man. She sits beside Roger while he fills out forms. He tries to catch her eye, but she's already filing her nails. NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D) Hanjorb? Roger jumps up and goes to the counter. NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D) Room's free now. You need some assistance today? Roger looks at Gum Girl, who smiles at him. NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D) Hello? ROGER Sorry? Some... NURSE BUCHET Some assistance? ROGER Well, I think I can...what kind of assistance... NURSE BUCHET I got Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, Legs, Barely Legal, Big Ass Momma, Spank Me Please, Daddy...and Oui. (she winks at him) ROGER Uh... NURSE BUCHET ...or perhaps...le cinema. May I recommend Best of Blow Jobs Two? ROGER Two? NURSE BUCHET Like Godfather 2, one of the few sequels that surpasses the original. ROGER Really... NURSE BUCHET Or maybe you need more hands on assistance. He looks again to Gum Girl who does not look up from her magazine. NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D) Woohooh! Over here, Big Boy! She starts to put on rubber gloves. ROGER Best of Blow Jobs Two, please. Everyone in the reception area looks up. Nurse Buchet clunks down a video and a HUGE specimen cup on the counter. NURSE BUCHET Down the hall to your left. Sure you'll be all right there, Sidewinder? She pops her rubber gloves. 3 INT. FERTILITY OFFICE - OUTSIDE MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY Roger looks at the sign outside the door which says "Male Collection Room." A SEXY VOICED NURSE passes by--looks knowingly at him. 4 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY Roger sticks in the tape...Nurse Buchet is on the TV! 4B INT. THE PORNO SET - DAY Nurse Buchet and Goat Boy introduce the tape to come. NURSE BUCHET (ON SCREEN) Welcome, to Best of Blow Jobs 2 or...Naughty Circus Freaks. Meet the star of this episode, Jasper the amazing goat boy. 4 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY CUT TO: Roger looking horrified. He struggles to pop out the tape. He can't find the eject button. Instead he increases the volume. 5 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY There are GOD AWFUL TORTURED GOAT sounds coming from the back. The people waiting, especially the pretty young woman, look up from their reading, horrified. Nurse Buchet smiles contentedly. 6 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY Roger finally pops out the tape. He grabs a magazine. "LET'S PLAY DOCTOR." NURSE BUCHET is on the cover holding a riding crop. She seems to wink at him. He blinks his eyes to make sure he didn't imagine it. He throws down the magazine. He sits back, tries to relax...and begins. Outside the office, the sounds of people laughing, going about their business. The door is very thin. The leather seat that he's on is squeaking. It's very difficult to concentrate. He stops, breathing heavily...exasperated. He can hear the Sexy Voiced Nurse he passed in the corridor talking to a friend. SEXY VOICED NURSE (part in brackets is faded in) [Our love making was an exquisite culinary morsel, he]...threw me on the kitchen counter...both our bodies covered in olive oil... This is just what Roger needs, and he goes to work. SEXY VOICED NURSE (CONT'D) ...he worked with the precision of a sushi chef...his manliness glistening in the candlelight... [and then, just when I thought it couldn't get any more intense...] She goes out of range. ROGER Oh, come on! Roger, with a new, "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" attitude, doubles his resolve. The leather seat really squeaks loudly. 7 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY In reception they all hear the squeak. 8 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY Roger finally is getting toward the end of his mission. His hand fumbles around for the collection cup. He can't grab it. ROGER Oh God! Oh! Shit! With great difficulty he gets a hold of the cup. 9 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY Images of Nurse Buchet and the Gum Girl dancing cheek to cheek in a lesbian tango abound in his head. Goat Boy plays the fife. 10 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY CLOSE UP of his hand holding the cup and a miniscule dribble of lotion-like liquid spatters on his hand. ROGER (CONT'D) Oh for Christ's sake! His hand quickly scrapes the diminutive portion into the large cup. 11 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY Roger hands Nurse Buchet the sample. She looks at it and smirks. NURSE BUCHET Sit and wait for the results, Mr. Hand Job. ROGER Hanjorg. 12 INT. MONTAGE - FERTILITY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Time passes. Quick montage of Roger waiting... ...the clock turning... ...patients leaving... ...and Roger falling asleep. He dreams of Nurse Buchet, all the women in the waiting area, and Goat Boy circled around his specimen cup, laughing at it. It's a terrible nightmare. Someone taps him on the shoulder. He awakes to find the sexy voiced nurse from the corridor. The reception area is now empty. SEXY VOICED NURSE Mr. Hanjorg? ROGER Yes? SEXY VOICED NURSE (after a mini beat) Your boys can swim. MUSIC: Hallelujah Chorus. Roger jumps up. He kisses the nurse. Nurse Buchet, impassive behind the reception desk, looks up briefly from her Cosmo. He salutes her, and she gives him a half-hearted salute back. 13 INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE FERTILITY OFFICE - DAY In the hallway, Roger confidently strides on the way to his next destination. The Hallelujah Chorus continues to play. Women look at him differently now. They smile in admiration. They seem to know his special secret...his boys can swim. FADE TO BLACK.