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THE SPECIMEN

A Short Screenplay

By Stephen Bittrich

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E-mail:
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Copyright © 2002,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: September, 2002)


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                                      "THE SPECIMEN"

                                   By Stephen Bittrich



               1 EXT. THE "HAPPY FAMILY" FERTILITY OFFICE - STREET - DAY

               CLOSE UP on sign which reads "HAPPY FAMILY FERTILITY CLINIC.

               CLOSE UP on our hero, ROGER, slight look of dread upon his
               face, as he reads the sign and enters the office.



               2 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - RECEPTION/WAITING AREA - DAY

               Entering the waiting room, Roger notices instantly a LESBIAN
               COUPLE and an attractive, serene, one-with-the-universe
               PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN who doesn't even look up.

               Behind the reception desk is NURSE BUCHET, a tough cookie,
               wearing a name tag.  She is reading a copy of Cosmo.  Roger
               clears his throat, and she looks up from her magazine in no
               real hurry.

                                   NURSE BUCHET
                         Yes?

                                   ROGER
                         Yes...hello...Miss...

               He tries to focus in on her name tag.

                                   NURSE BUCHET
                             (pronounced Boo-shay)
                         Buchet.  It's French.

                                   ROGER
                         Ah, lovely.  I'm, uh, I have an
                         appointment here today to...to drop
                         off...for a deposit.

                                   NURSE BUCHET
                         Name?

                                   ROGER
                         Roger Hanjorg.

               She checks her roster and announces too loudly--

                                   NURSE BUCHET
                         Semen analysis.

               Everyone in reception looks up.

                                   NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D)
                         Fill this out.

               She tosses him a clipboard stacked with papers.  He sits down
               and begins filling out forms.

               Someone in the other room MOANS loudly.  Roger looks up
               sharply, but everyone else ignores and continues to read
               their magazines.

               A macho, FERTILE looking GUY comes out of the main office
               with his arm around a very pretty-in-a-slutty-sort-of-way
               girl we'll call GUM GIRL.

               From Roger's POV, CLOSE UP on GUM GIRL's pouty lips as she
               puts her gum back into her mouth.  Fertile Guy and Gum Girl
               exchange knowing laughs as Fertile Guy hands Nurse Buchet a
               very large specimen cup.  She holds it up to the light.  It's
               filled to the brim with a white lotion-esque substance.

                                   NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D)
                         Nice.

               The man grins like the Cheshire Cat, kisses Gum Girl's hand,
               and is on his merry way.  He smiles at the Pretty Young Woman
               in the waiting area on the way out.  She smiles
               back...impressed.

               Strangely, Gum Girl doesn't leave with the man.  She sits
               beside Roger while he fills out forms.  He tries to catch her
               eye, but she's already filing her nails.

                                   NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D)
                         Hanjorb?

               Roger jumps up and goes to the counter.

                                   NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D)
                         Room's free now.  You need some
                         assistance today?

               Roger looks at Gum Girl, who smiles at him.

                                   NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D)
                         Hello?

                                   ROGER
                         Sorry?  Some...

                                   NURSE BUCHET
                         Some assistance?

                                   ROGER
                         Well, I think I can...what kind of
                         assistance...

                                   NURSE BUCHET
                         I got Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler,
                         Legs, Barely Legal, Big Ass Momma,
                         Spank Me Please, Daddy...and Oui.
                             (she winks at him)

                                   ROGER
                         Uh...

                                   NURSE BUCHET
                         ...or perhaps...le cinema.  May I
                         recommend Best of Blow Jobs Two?

                                   ROGER
                         Two?

                                   NURSE BUCHET
                         Like Godfather 2, one of the few
                         sequels that surpasses the
                         original.

                                   ROGER
                         Really...

                                   NURSE BUCHET
                         Or maybe you need more hands on
                         assistance.

               He looks again to Gum Girl who does not look up from her
               magazine.

                                   NURSE BUCHET (CONT'D)
                         Woohooh!  Over here, Big Boy!

               She starts to put on rubber gloves.

                                   ROGER
                         Best of Blow Jobs Two, please.

               Everyone in the reception area looks up.

               Nurse Buchet clunks down a video and a HUGE specimen cup on
               the counter.

                                   NURSE BUCHET
                         Down the hall to your left.  Sure
                         you'll be all right there,
                         Sidewinder?

               She pops her rubber gloves.



               3 INT. FERTILITY OFFICE - OUTSIDE MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY

               Roger looks at the sign outside the door which says "Male
               Collection Room."  A SEXY VOICED NURSE passes by--looks
               knowingly at him.



               4 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY

               Roger sticks in the tape...Nurse Buchet is on the TV!

               4B INT. THE PORNO SET - DAY

               Nurse Buchet and Goat Boy introduce the tape to come.

                                   NURSE BUCHET (ON SCREEN)
                         Welcome, to Best of Blow Jobs 2
                         or...Naughty Circus Freaks.  Meet
                         the star of this episode, Jasper
                         the amazing goat boy.



               4 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY

               CUT TO:  Roger looking horrified.

               He struggles to pop out the tape.  He can't find the eject
               button.  Instead he increases the volume.



               5 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY

               There are GOD AWFUL TORTURED GOAT sounds coming from the
               back.  The people waiting, especially the pretty young woman,
               look up from their reading, horrified.

               Nurse Buchet smiles contentedly.



               6 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY

               Roger finally pops out the tape.  He grabs a magazine. 
               "LET'S PLAY DOCTOR."  NURSE BUCHET is on the cover holding a
               riding crop.  She seems to wink at him.  He blinks his eyes
               to make sure he didn't imagine it.

               He throws down the magazine.  He sits back, tries to
               relax...and begins.

               Outside the office, the sounds of people laughing, going
               about their business.  The door is very thin.  The leather
               seat that he's on is squeaking.  It's very difficult to
               concentrate.  He stops, breathing heavily...exasperated.

               He can hear the Sexy Voiced Nurse he passed in the corridor
               talking to a friend.

                                   SEXY VOICED NURSE
                             (part in brackets is faded
                              in)
                         [Our love making was an exquisite
                         culinary morsel, he]...threw me on
                         the kitchen counter...both our
                         bodies covered in olive oil...

               This is just what Roger needs, and he goes to work.

                                   SEXY VOICED NURSE (CONT'D)
                         ...he worked with the precision of
                         a sushi chef...his manliness
                         glistening in the candlelight...
                         [and then, just when I thought it
                         couldn't get any more intense...]

               She goes out of range.

                                   ROGER
                         Oh, come on!

               Roger, with a new, "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead"
               attitude, doubles his resolve.

               The leather seat really squeaks loudly.



               7 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY

               In reception they all hear the squeak.



               8 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY

               Roger finally is getting toward the end of his mission.  His
               hand fumbles around for the collection cup.  He can't grab
               it.

                                   ROGER
                         Oh God!  Oh!  Shit!

               With great difficulty he gets a hold of the cup.



               9 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY

               Images of Nurse Buchet and the Gum Girl dancing cheek to
               cheek in a lesbian tango abound in his head.  Goat Boy plays
               the fife.



               10 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - MALE COLLECTION ROOM - DAY

               CLOSE UP of his hand holding the cup and a miniscule dribble
               of lotion-like liquid spatters on his hand.

                                   ROGER (CONT'D)
                         Oh for Christ's sake!

               His hand quickly scrapes the diminutive portion into the
               large cup.



               11 INT. THE FERTILITY OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY

               Roger hands Nurse Buchet the sample.  She looks at it and
               smirks.

                                   NURSE BUCHET
                         Sit and wait for the results, Mr.
                         Hand Job.

                                   ROGER
                         Hanjorg.



               12 INT. MONTAGE - FERTILITY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

               Time passes.

               Quick montage of Roger waiting...

               ...the clock turning...

               ...patients leaving...

               ...and Roger falling asleep.

               He dreams of Nurse Buchet, all the women in the waiting area,
               and Goat Boy circled around his specimen cup, laughing at it. 
               It's a terrible nightmare.

               Someone taps him on the shoulder.

               He awakes to find the sexy voiced nurse from the corridor. 
               The reception area is now empty.

                                   SEXY VOICED NURSE
                         Mr. Hanjorg?

                                   ROGER
                         Yes?

                                   SEXY VOICED NURSE
                             (after a mini beat)
                         Your boys can swim.

               MUSIC:  Hallelujah Chorus.

               Roger jumps up.  He kisses the nurse.

               Nurse Buchet, impassive behind the reception desk, looks up
               briefly from her Cosmo.  He salutes her, and she gives him a
               half-hearted salute back.



               13 INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE FERTILITY OFFICE - DAY

               In the hallway, Roger confidently strides on the way to his
               next destination.  The Hallelujah Chorus continues to play.

               Women look at him differently now.  They smile in admiration. 
               They seem to know his special secret...his boys can swim.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.
               

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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.