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BRINGING UP LESTER By Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
Tel: (646) 245-4507
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2001,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Draft: May, 2001)11 pages
"BRINGING UP LESTER" BY STEPHEN BITTRICH SETTING: A run down apartment in New Jersey. AT RISE: MOTHER enters, haggard, with a suitcase that has travel stickers all over it. FATHER, wearing a very soiled white tank top T-shirt, is in his recliner facing the audience, watching t.v. FATHER Who is it? Who's there? MOTHER It's...it's me, Charles. I have returned. FATHER Eh? Who? Who is it? MOTHER It's me. It's Marge, your wife. FATHER Margie? MOTHER I know...I know I've been gone a long time. I know I did you wrong. There's not much I can say. Things didn't work out with...my lover. (beat) I'm asking you...I'm asking you to... FATHER Can you get me a beer? It's about to kick off... MOTHER I know I have no right. I know I'm standing on thin ice. I'm asking for your forgiveness, Charles. I made a mistake. FATHER Yeah, okay. Sure. What about the beer? It's about to kick off-- (yelling) IT'S ABOUT TO KICK OFF!!! MOTHER I can hear you. You needn't shout. I know you're hurt, angry, feeling inadequate... FATHER (as if yelling at someone else entirely) HURRY UP! HURRY UP! IT'S ABOUT TO KICK OFF! MOTHER It wasn't you. It was me. I was incapable of love, true love...got married way too young...without ever discovering myself...what makes me special. (beat) And then he came along, teaching the tango and the cha-cha, flashing those pearly whites, that dark immaculate hair... (The LOVER enters and Cha-chas with her, smiling broadly all the while) Suddenly, I who was devoid of real emotion, a bland little haus frau, was suddenly a part of something special...part of a team...that moved in perfect unison to the cha, cha, cha...the cha, cha, cha of perfection. I got swept up in the rhythm--in the fever--of the fantasy. I thought it was real, but it was an illusion... (beat) ...and now I've come back...back on my hands and knees to ask for your-- FATHER AWWWW! IT JUST KICKED OFF! (BABY enters. HE is a grown man of pleasing girth, a happy face, completely bald and wearing only a big white diaper and an odd little knit scarf. HE carries a gigantic bowl, spoon, an economy sized Fruit Loops, and a container of milk that must be 5 gallons) BABY I heard you. I heard you. (to MOTHER) Oh, hi Ma. MOTHER Eh? BABY (to FATHER) We're almost out of Fruit Loops. Did you hear me, Pop? We're almost out of Fruit Loops. MOTHER Who is this man? FATHER I heard you, but where's my beer? Did you forget it? It kicked off, dammit! Dammit to hell! BABY I got your beer, Pops. Don't have a hernia. (HE pulls the beer out of the back of his diaper) Here you go. MOTHER Charles. Charles, who is this man? FATHER (somewhat puzzled at her ignorance) Mother, this is your son. This is Baby Lester. BABY Hi. (HE sits on the couch) MOTHER Charles...what are you talking about? FATHER You've been gone a long time, Marge. I had to take care of things, you know. Believe you me, it's hard running a nontraditional household in this backwards society. The looks I'd get at the market, the kiddie birthday parties with with me the only man, the lonely parent conferences...but I did it, Marge. I learned how to do the laundry...work the vacuum and that damn mixer. I learned how to can peaches, iron a pair of underwear, and knit. BABY He knit me this scarf. FATHER It wasn't easy, but it made me a better man. I am a Mr. Mom, hear me roar. BABY (all the while preparing a huge bowl of cereal) You tell 'um, Pop! MOTHER Charles... FATHER Mother? MOTHER We don't have a son. (The TWO men laugh uproariously) MOTHER (cont'd) We don't have a son, Charles! BABY Good one, Ma! FATHER Ha, ha, yeah! "Hi, I'm home after twenty-two years...p.s., we don't have a son!" Ha, ha! MOTHER Twenty-two years? FATHER Don't dribble on the couch, Lester! Put a newspaper down. BABY Sure thing, Pop. (HE rises to fetch a newspaper) FATHER (knowingly) Kids! MOTHER Charles, who is that big bald man? Why is he in our home? Why is he wearing a diaper? FATHER We did miss you, you know Marge? It wasn't the sex, though we did miss that, even though you just lay there like a brick...and it wasn't the cooking, though regular as clockwork, everything had a distinctly over boiled taste...and it wasn't the company, since you never liked "the game" and basically never talked to us. (beat) It was your motherhood, Marge. That's what we missed, me and the boy. We did our best. We carried on, but there was an emptiness that couldn't be filled with Fruit Loops and hugs. There is no substitute for Mom. MOTHER What in the hell are you talking about? (BABY returns with newspaper and starts spreading it out) FATHER There you go, Baby Lester. Don't want any more spills on the couch...all out of Stain Be Gone! MOTHER Charles, I would know if I had a child...if anyone would. And I never had a child! FATHER Mother, that Latin cha-cha artist smack you in the head? You gone daffy? MOTHER Besides which, I have only been gone for three months... FATHER Three months... (The MEN laugh) BABY So where all did you go, Ma? From all the travel stickers on your suitcase, it looks like you went around the whole dang world. Jeepers! What's it like, Ma, that world of ours? Is it amazing? You go to the leaning tower of Pisa? MOTHER That's really none of your business. FATHER Boy's just curious, Margie. Can't blame him. Cooped up in this sorry shack for 22 years. No money for fancy things like world travel. Just the necessities...Wonderbread and Fruit Loops. And of course plenty of Vitamin D milk. He's a growing boy. BABY Can I have a sip of your beer, Pop? FATHER Baby Lester, don't test me. BABY I was only kidding. MOTHER Charles, you need to be honest with me. If I no longer have a place here in this home... FATHER You hurt me something bad, Margie. I ain't gonna lie. When you left us for that twinkle toes, that fancy boy...it hurt my male pride, but I had to set that aside. Had to keep my boy in diapers. Had to quit my job at the mill. I couldn't afford day-care, so I found a job from the t.v. set licking envelopes from home. BABY I help lick! FATHER He's a good boy. So that's how we made do these 22 years...I got the scabs on my tongue to prove it. MOTHER I left in October. FATHER Boy's been home-schooled. Didn't send him to no fancy schools. But he reads like there's no tomorrow. All the classics...Superman, Batman, Aquaman... BABY Superman's from the planet Krypton! FATHER That's right, Baby Lester! He sure is. BABY I have a red cape. FATHER I made it out of an old sheet. MOTHER My red sheets? FATHER Yeah, he wanted to wear a little bit of "mother" round his wee neck. Can't blame the boy. Got him to stop sucking his toes with the cape. He promised to stop that day, and I'll be darned if he didn't. BABY Sucking your toes can make your teeth all crooked. FATHER Yes, it can! MOTHER Am I still welcome here, Charles? FATHER Well, of course, Margie. I told you so already. It will take some time to heal the family, but we'll go on. Boy needs a mom. MOTHER How long is he staying? FATHER Boy's not ready to leave the nest, Margie. He's still growing. But he's no free-loader. He's got a job... BABY ...licking envelopes. (HE pretends to lick a few envelopes with great speed and dexterity) MOTHER So what you're saying is, this man is staying in our home? FATHER Don't ask me to choose between you, Marge. DON'T ASK ME TO DO THAT! BECAUSE YOU WILL LOSE! MOTHER I'm sorry. I know I have no right. I know I left with just a note. BABY (referring to the wall) We framed it! MOTHER For me to come back here and expect things to be the same...you framed it? (during the course of the next two speeches, the LOVER re enters and soon begins dancing with MOTHER...dancing the CHA CHA!) BABY (reading) "Dear Charles. We were very young when we got married. I thought I loved you, and you thought you loved me. (MOTHER continues to "read" the letter as if SHE is writing is for the first time, while BABY mouths the words) MOTHER But neither one of us really ever knew what love was. All our lives seem to be about was cooking, laundry, and the ever present "game" on the t.v. set. But now I know there is more...ever since I started taking dance lessons with Cha-cha Master, Julio Astaire. He has taught me that life is a dance. And to live life to the fullest you must live in the rhythm. BABY (finishing the letter) It's nothing against you, Charles...or the baby, but I'm running off with Julio..." (the LOVER dances out) MOTHER Wait a minute! "Or the baby"? I didn't say that! BABY Yes, you did, Ma. It says so right here. (SHE crosses to the framed letter) MOTHER I didn't write that! I said nothing about a baby! BABY It's framed and everything, Ma-- MOTHER Stop calling me "Ma"! I did not write that, Charles. FATHER That's not your letter? MOTHER Yes, that's my letter, but I did not write that part about "or the baby." You added that part in. It's been added in different color ink! FATHER Marge, that's the letter I got, plain and simple, pinned to Baby Lester's little basket. MOTHER So this note was pinned to what exactly? FATHER Funny thing is, I didn't even know you were pregnant, Marge. I just thought you were getting fat. MOTHER I was getting fat. FATHER Then one day, out of the blue, you leave me this note and a baby, and my whole life changes...I become a father. I took my first look at that little tike, and it wasn't about me, beer, and "the game" anymore...it was about sharing "the game" with the blood of my blood. (suddenly there is something on the t.v. which engages both the men) BABY PASS IT! PASS IT! FATHER GO! GO! BABY CATCH IT! CATCH IT! FATHER GO! GO! BABY & FATHER RUN! RUN! RUN! HOOOOO HAAAAAAAAH! (THEY high five) BABY I love you Pop! FATHER I love you son! (to MOTHER) I'm not afraid to say "I love you" to my son. BABY Uh oh...I think I made a messy. FATHER Aw, Baby Lester, you're supposed to tell me first! BABY I got excited. FATHER Well, it's going to have to wait until after the game...unless your mother wants to help out. God knows I changed enough diapers these past 22 years. MOTHER He doesn't know how to use the bathroom? What's wrong with him? FATHER There's nothing wrong with him! Marge, you aren't exactly being very motherly. BABY I never even got to breast-feed. FATHER Yeah, Margie. The boy never even got to breast-feed. Of course he's got a few developmental issues. I did my best! MOTHER You know...maybe it was a bad idea...my coming back. BABY What? What's she saying, Pop? MOTHER You seem to have started a new life for yourself. A life without me. FATHER Fine, Marge. Fine. We survived for 22 years without you...with cheap hookers as the only mother substitute... BABY (naughty) Heh, hookers... (suddenly a little confused) ...they touched me down there. FATHER I imagine we can make it another 22 years... BABY Remember Rhonda with the pretty face? She had a pee pee like me. FATHER What?! She told me she was just shy. (suddenly the t.v. catches their attention) BABY OHHHHH! KICK IT! FATHER OOOOOOOO! BOB AND WEAVE! BOB AND WEAVE! (MOTHER gets her suitcase and leaves) BABY KICK IT! KICK! FATHER BOB! WEAVE! BABY & FATHER HOOOOOO HAAAAAAAAH! (THEY high five, hug, and jump up and down) FATHER And that's what it's all about, Marge. Father and son...bonding...family time..."the game." Margie? Marge? BABY Where'd she go, Pop? FATHER It's just me and you again, kiddo. BABY No mom? FATHER I afraid not. But we'll make due, son. We'll make due. We always have. (beat) Baby Lester, you made a real stinky. BABY I told you. FATHER Let's go get you changed. BABY Thanks Dad! You're the best! (Lights fade to black) (END OF PLAY)