All About Biffo A 10-Minute Play
By Stephen Bittrich
5701 W Slaughter Lane
Suite A130-204
Austin, TX 78749
E-mail: SBittrich@aol.com
Copyright © 2013,
by Stephen Bittrich
(Please note that there is a licensing fee due if you want to perform this play before an audience.)
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"ALL ABOUT BIFFO" BY STEPHEN BITTRICH SETTING: SID and BIFFO's clown trailer at the circus. Two dressing tables are set up in front of the audience with just frames instead of mirrors (we are to imagine the mirrors as the characters apply their make up facing the audience). AT RISE: BIFFO is pacing around the trailer trying to get pumped up for the night's performance, maybe doing a few calisthenics. SID, his older partner, walks slowly in and sits at his dressing table. HE sits gingerly -- moaning softly to himself. It is obvious his rear end is sore and that HE is really upset. BIFFO rolls his eyes, unimpressed by the dramatics. HE tries to lighten the mood. BIFFO Good news... I hear there's a big crowd out there tonight. (pause, no response) Filled to the rafters. They had to turn some away. Yes, siree. They want it bad out there. (pause, no response) You know, I bet a little dab of aloe vera would fix you right up. SID Just SHUT UP! BIFFO Whoa. Whoa now, Big Fella! Just tryin' to make a little friendly conversation. SID We have got twelve minutes! Okay? Can we just get ready? BIFFO (jumping around a bit) I dunno. I dunno. I'm not feeling it yet. I'm waitin' for it to hit me. SID Well, when it does hit you, I wanna ringside seat. (HE begins putting on his white face in the mirror) You know, you really drive me crazy. Every night the same thing. You wait 'til the very last minute to finish your make up, come waltzin' out of the trailer seconds before your cue, often without even powdering, and I never know for sure if you're even going to show up. BIFFO Have I ever missed an entrance cue? SID That's not the point. You're not supportive. Every night you leave my butt hangin' out there 'til the very last minute. BIFFO (stifling a laugh) Heh, heh. Crispy fried butt. SID And that's another thing! Okay. While we're talking about things... you are out of control! Thirty years I've been in this business, ever since I was old enough to be shot out of a cannon, and not a single accident with the possible exception of the leaky baby pool incident in '92. But that was a freak accident! You, my friend, are reckless. You -- you come fresh outta clown school one month to the day and already there have been five -- count 'em -- five accidents, all of them involving me. Not the least of which was second degree burns on my back side! BIFFO Oh please, first degree. If that. And you gotta admit it was funny. Did you see that little freckled girl in the front row with the gap between her teeth? She nearly laughed herself outta her seat. Man, I love that! (BIFFO sits and continues his make up) SID Oh yeah, sure, sure, laugh it up. It was your job to run up with the spritzer bottle and put the fire out before it burns through the padding. I rely on you. BIFFO Hey, I grabbed the first thing I could find. After all, you were on fire. Coulda happened to anybody. SID Maybe it could've happened to anybody, but had to happen to you! Okay, you couldn't find the spritzer bottle... fine! So you improvise. You couldnt've grabbed the fire extinguisher? You couldnt've grabbed the whipped cream pie? No, you had to grab a jug of moonshine and splash it generously on my blazing backside. Where did you even find a jug of moonshine!? BIFFO Honest mistake. I thought it was like fake moonshine. And the audience loved it. SID What I want to know is how highly flammable moonshine even got out there in the first place?! BIFFO Sure you didn't leave it out there? You do like to hit the sauce. SID I enjoy an occasional cocktail, sure. But I do not drink on the job, nor do I drink moonshine. And I never would have made such an amateurish mistake. (THEY turn away from each other, continuing to put on make up) BIFFO Could it be, uh, I dunno, could it be you're just feeling threatened because you're not the headline clown anymore? SID Look, Junior, I'm at the peak of my career. You've been stepping on all my gags... taking pies meant for me... don't think I haven't noticed the shameless scene stealing! BIFFO Hey, just because you're step slower than you used to be, it's not my fault. We shouldn't make the audience suffer because your timing is off. SID Kiss my butt! Who died and appointed you clown prince? BIFFO (after a beat) Jealous relic. SID Amateur. BIFFO Fossil. SID Anarchist! BIFFO Serious. SID (deadly) Don't call me serious. BIFFO Humourless. Solemn. Grave. Grim Reaper... (beat) ... serious. SID YOU LITTLE TWIT! DON'T CALL ME SERIOUS!! (In an apoplectic rage SID pulls on a clown wig at the end of the line) BIFFO I just don't think you have it anymore. No offense, I mean, God knows you had your day. You were funny. And you still appeal to the geriatric crowd. I remember, I mean, you used to break me up when I was, you know, like five, but lately you know-- SID I--I--I tried to befriend you. I was the one got you into clown school after that long fan letter you wrote me. BIFFO Oh, so what am I supposed ta do? Kneel down and kiss your size fifteen shoes for the rest of my career? SID Just a tiny bit of gratitude would be nice. BIFFO Look, I thanked you plenty of times, Sid. Thanks! Thank you. I can't thank you anymore. Life goes on. SID And I got you this job in this circus! I did that because I thought you were a talented clown. Not some cut up, not some showboat -- but a team clown. BIFFO Well, I appreciate the hand up. But times they are a changing, my friend. And if you can't keep up, maybe you should think about retiring. SID (choking) Retire--!? BIFFO Look if you wanna outstay your freshness date-- SID My family's been in this circus for four generations. My father's father's father, Doinkie the Great, originated the first clown through the plate glass window bit. He was a pioneer! BIFFO Look, Old Timer, you have your place in clown history. I'll give you that. When they, ya know, build a Clown Hall of Fame, yada, yada, yada -- your family has like a, a display case in there for sure, but if you wanna know the grim reality, the word around the tent today is: "Sid's not as funny as he used to be. He's lost a step." SID Who says that!? BIFFO I'm not gonna name names. But I mean, look at facts, they've cut your solo act down to two minutes. You used to do, what, fifteen? For God's sake, you follow the lions when everybody's takin' a pee and popcorn break. Your only moment of glory is when you do the butt-on-fire bit with me. When you think about it, I am the one keeping you in this circus. Maybe you oughtta be thankin' ME! SID Don't think I don't know what you're doing. (sputtering) Sucking up to the bearded lady. Showering her with bon-bons. Just because she's the wife of the ringmaster. BIFFO It's a dog eat dog world out there, my friend. Kids are being churned out of clown school by the bus loads. Only the strong survive. You gotta be edgy. You gotta be radical. You should be takin' refresher courses, man. Gettin' published in "Gags Monthly." Publish or perish! Your stuff is stale -- the clown through the plate glass window -- ha! Clown in a cage -- the chocolate pudding clown -- the marriage and divorce clown. Boooooring. SID Says you--! BIFFO Now I've got some ideas! And I'm going to get them out there one way or the other. The exploding clown! Yeah! projectile vomit clown! The drawn and quartered clown! Now yer talkin'! SID You sick freak. Just stay outta my way tonight. That's all I got to say. BIFFO Sure thing, pops. (BIFFO tosses a banana peel on the floor as SID is turned) SID I saw that. BIFFO Goooood. Just seein' if yer payin' attention. Keep ya on yer toes! SID A banana peel in a trailer? Really? That's not funny! Out in the ring with proper rehearsal, that's funny, a classic bit, but in a trailer that's just dangerous! Somebody could break a hip! BIFFO You're right, you're right, Sid. I'm sorry. Come on. Truce. (BIFFO sticks out his hand) SID Are you serious? You wanna shake my hand after you tried to put a, a, a banana-- BIFFO Are you refusing? I wanna shake. Let's make up. I'm sorry. (THEY shake. BIFFO gets him with the ole buzzer in the hand trick. SID's body writhes with the shock) SID Son of a -- you conniving little -- BIFFO Ha, ha! You're not thinking, Old School. You're so slow you didn't even see that trick from the classic playbook comin'! SID That wasn't a classic hand buzzer. That hurt. BIFFO Don't be such a baby. So I tweaked it a bit and added a few volts. SID You are a -- you're a dead clown. That's what you are. I'm gonna get you tonight. BIFFO Bring it, friend. Let's see whatcha got. Keep it real. Mix things up. And speaking of mixing things up, you could mix up your make up. SID There's nothing wrong with my make up. (SID actually looks scary. HE should have some fluorescent green in his facial make up -- fake piercings all over his face -- a Mohawk wig) BIFFO White and red and a little black. White, red, little black. Same old, same old, same old. What are you -- Ronald McDonald? Come on, man, people wanna see like wild things, I mean, look at my wig -- multi-hued bursts of color, spiky sharp, you know how the lights look on that, man? Spectacular! And the earrings -- all these little piercings I have. This is tremendous! SID You scare the kids. BIFFO They wanna be scared. SID Clowns aren't scary. BIFFO Are you serious? Get with the times. These kids can't sit still. They're hooked on the sugar, man. They all have ADD -- need quick cuts and 3D-in-your-face. Pow! Me, I'm an original... blazing new ground. SID That looks like my nose in your box. BIFFO And you're losing your eyesight, too, old man. SID Let me see that nose. BIFFO This nose? SID Yeah, let me see it. BIFFO You mean the nose that my granny got me upon graduation from Clown Academy? SID Granny, my butt. BIFFO Careful now. This nose was given with love. SID That looks like the nose that Bingo Balooga bequeathed me when he retired. You know, there's a way I can tell if that's really my nose because it's inscribed. Why don't you just hand that over, and we can clear this up real easy. Just hand it over. (beat) Hand it over! BIFFO Take it... if you can. (Sid lunges and SID gets him in a headlock. THEY fight, Sid unable to break loose. There is an off stage voice) STAGE MANAGER (O.S.) Five minutes, you clowns! (THEY quit fighting instantly and answer as if all is normal) BIFFO (overlapping) Okay! SID (overlapping) I'm ready! (The TWO MEN look at each other huffing and puffing from the fight. Sid puts two fingers up to his eyes, signaling -- "I'm watching you." THEY turn away from each other. The fight is done. Sid slowly sits at his chair, and there is a loud obnoxious sound of a whoopee cushion. Silence for a long moment. BIFFO is holding in a laugh. Then Sid says calmly...) SID (cont'd) Okay. That was funny.
(Lights fade to black)
(END OF PLAY)
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