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HOME OF THE GREAT PECAN A Full-Length Play By Stephen Bittrich GO TO BROADWAY PLAY PUBLISHING FOR A COPY.
EXCERPTS ONLY.
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Copyright ©
by Stephen Bittrich
EXCERPT #1 ACT ONE PRE-SHOW "'TIS THE SEASON" BEFORE THE CURTAIN: Before the curtain goes up, there will be a certain amount of Texas related pre-show music. At the proper time when all audience members have been seated, a song by Candee Land will precede the following voice over, signalling the official start of the play. [Author's Note - Candee Land, who is a real performer from Seguin, Texas, active in the 80's can be substituted with a fictional name if needbe; however, I suggest her version of "The Strength of my Weakness" from the album "Music of Candee Land."] JOHNNY JOHNS (V.O.) Hey Folks, this is Johnny Johns over at K-W-A-D radio. It's a beautiful, warm October night, and you've been listening to the golden voice of Seguin's own [Candee Land]...a homegrown sensation. We're as proud as can be to claim her as our own. (Short beat) Speakin' of homegrown sensations, it's about that time of year, folks. They're startin' ta fall off the trees like hail stones 'bout now, and that can only mean one thing, the Hunderd and Second Annual Pecan Festival, culminating in the crowning of the lucky Pecan Queen. (Short beat) So get on out there and getchu a bucket full of those tasty morsels...cuz after this next song, Aileen Rottweiler's gonna come on the air and share with ya'll a family secret passed down through three generations...her blue ribbon winnin' pecan pie recipe. Mmmmmm, boy! Might wanna getchu a pen and paper while I play this next song... (Texas MUSIC will fade into...) ACT ONE SCENE 1 "BRAIN SUCKING" SETTING: A clear, warm Saturday night. A large back porch out in the country near Seguin, Texas in Guadalupe County. AT RISE: The crickets chirp loudly. ED (Actor E) and GREELEY (Actor G), real Texas men who know how to relax, take in the star-lit night and experience the crickets. After a bit of "experiencing," GREELEY speaks-- GREELEY Ed? ED Yeah, Greeley. GREELEY Crickets sure are perky tonight. ED Yep. (Pause. Crickets chirp) GREELEY Ed? ED Yeah, Greeley. GREELEY Whatta you spose those crickets are talkin' about? (ED listens) ED Mostly cricket matters, I guess. GREELEY Yep. (Crickets) Ed? (Beat) Ever had yer brain sucked out through yer nose? ED (After a beat) Nope. GREELEY Messy prospect. (The crickets chirp) GREELEY (CONTINUED) (Continued) I'm not myself tonight, Ed. ED The frijoles? GREELEY Tammie saw this flying saucer land over't her field the other night. ED I heard. GREELEY Most folks are saying since her husband left in '81 she's been a little off. ED Yep. GREELEY They don't put much credence in the flying saucer thang. (Beat) But it's true, Ed. (Beat; special vocal attention should be given to the alien word, "Yah") I come from the planet Yah, twenty million, million earth miles away. My planet is warm and moist, and a zillion species of plant exist throughout our world. We, my species, are partly plants ourselves--Pod People. We sleep just below the dank soil by night and bask in the life-giving sun by day. Our sun-star is our god, but, according to mythology, our sun is doomed to explode and evaporate our planet in the Yah Year twenty-twenty-two--this earth year. Our scientists have confirmed this legend, so we have searched the galaxies far and wide for a new god. We have arrived on your planet, and now we worship your sun. In order to integrate ourselves into your society, we inhabit your earth bodies by attaching our pods to your faces and entering your brain cavities through the nose. Our eventual aim is the total annihilation of your species. Then we will re-adjust the orbit of earth to create a more tropical climate. ED (After a beat) You fart? GREELEY The beans. ED Damn. Potent som-bitch. (Crickets) GREELEY "Why Seguin, Texas?" you may ask. Little too dry for our pods, you might thank. After careful scientific observation, our Yahian fleet was directed to Acapulco, Mexico, because it was concluded to possess the tropical climate which we are most comfortable in...but I had saucer failure over Dallas and had to make a crash landing here. (Crickets) GREELEY As is well known, last month, the one called Greeley, the one which I now am, became engaged to be married to this Tammie Lynn Schneider. ED Yep. Clipped the picture outta the Gazette. GREELEY This Greeley, however, still has not come up with the two thousand to buy the long anticipated 14 carat/gold/diamond/ruby ring over't Dietz's Diamonds yet. ED Emma Dietz says she's expectin' it. GREELEY As is also well known, the long awaited, often spoken of "ring presenting fanfare" was to take place on the Corral Dance floor last night, "Frijole Friday," after a well publicized "surprise" announcement from the celebrated local country sensation, Candee Land of Candy Land and the Goolaks. ED Yep. GREELEY (After a beat) That tragic Friday night, when this one, Greeley, arrived at Tammie Schneider's place out on One-twenty-three Bypass, he first stopped into her greenhouse out back the house where I, the Pod Pers-- ED Why? GREELEY Huh? ED Why'd he go back there first? GREELEY Uh...to check the Rhododendrons he gave her. ED Okay, I'll buy it. GREELEY There, sleeping among the ivy and the ferns, was I, the Pod Person. Greeley, a well-known plant enthusiast and long time employee of Norma Green's Thumb, caught me out of the corner of his eye and gasped at the sight of my glorious red and violet leaves. Being an inquisitive rascal, and despite having seen Alien five times at the Dixie Drive-in, he scooched up close to my pod to get a closer look. I could smell his squishy, warm brains, and before he could cry out, I grappled my thorny vines on to his face. ED Thorny? GREELEY Sticky? Gooey. ED Gooey. GREELEY Of course, he missed his date that night without a word. My incubation period takes a full eight hours. For a full eight hours this one--Greeley--blindly wandered the dull, black Texas night as the pod attached to his face slowly sucked out his brains. ED Surprised it took a full eight. GREELEY At four o'clock in the morning the transformation was complete. The spent and wrinkled pod-shell dropped off, and I was ready to experience this new world and sample human pleasures. ED First stop: Seven-Eleven. GREELEY For a Slurpy and a six pack of Lone Star. Much to my surprise, the check out girl, Wendy, was friendly. She knew this Greeley. Knew him well. Well enough to let him cop a feel back in the video game room--right between Pac Man and Altered Beast. ED I love Pac Man. GREELEY This encounter with human delights was inadvertently observed by the Seven-Eleven manager, Miss Nosy Rosy Stadtmueller, who made an unannounced and previously unprecedented after hours visit to tabulate the register receipts. ED Yep. I heard. GREELEY (After a beat) This gossipy, nosy society is not understood by we Yahians. ED Welcome to Texas, Bud. GREELEY It's not this Greeley's fault. What was Greeley is now digested and only a shadow of him remains. Petty human emotions hold no importance for we Yahians. ED Ate his whole damn brain, huh? GREELEY That's the only way to occupy the host. ED Now, can you suck out other brains? Or are you limited to one brain per Pod Person? GREELEY You mean, could I come over there, as I am--Pod-less--Pod free--as it were, and suck out yer brain? ED Yep. GREELEY Yes, I could. ED So it's an all you can eat type deal. GREELEY Well, if say I found a more inviting host, I could switch, but then I'd have to exit the former body which would shrivel up and wither away--just as my pod did. ED Makes sense. GREELEY But that would be such a terrible waste of male virility. (THEY guffaw. Crickets. GREELEY turns serious) GREELEY Crickets have it easy, Ed. ED Yep. GREELEY (After a beat) Think she'll buy it? ED Not a snowball's chance in hell, Greeley. (Crickets and blackout) (END OF SCENE)
EXCERPT #2
SCENE 5 "DUELING SEDUCTIONS" SETTING: After church. A dual scene: the church office and the church parking lot. AT RISE: GREELEY and TAMMIE are having a heated discussion outside the church. ROSY is filing some papers away in the church office. GREELEY All right I did it. I came and heard him. TAMMIE You heard, but I don't thank you was listenin'. GREELEY How could I not listen? It's like he set his podium down right in fronta me--the slimy, money grubbin' snake. TAMMIE You are goin' straight ta hell, and I ain't going with you. GREELEY Look I said I was sorry, and I came and sat through a whole sermon without leaving. I don't know what more you want from me. (SHE gives him a disgusted look and turns her back on him. REVEREND PAT enters the office) ROSY (Breathily) I, I filed those papers on your desk Rev-Revrend Pat. REVEREND PAT I could not stop thinkin' about you the whole sermon today! (HE begins to mall her--kissing her feverishly on the neck and shoulders) ROSY Oh, Rev-Revrend Pat! TAMMIE "Sorry's" not a big enough word for what you did. GREELEY Look, Tammie, I know I messed thangs up, but the real problem is, is this--I had a little fender bender last week, do not alarm yourself--I am fine, but it cost me seven hunerd dollars just to get a few scratches worked out! Now that in turn threw me completely offa my schedule ta buy you that two thousand dollar engagement ring that you have insisted on. Here you are makin' such a big deal ta every Tom, Dick, or Felix that'ud listen--about the ring presentin' fanfare! "Frijole Friday." Be there for the show." And due ta circumstances beyond my control, I don't have no ring. So I'm thankin' "I go there Friday night short one ring, Tammie's gonna look foolish. And she's gonna be mighty disappointed." I just didn't wanna disappoint you in fronta all them people. TAMMIE That is the lamest excuse of an excuse I ever heard. And it jes' goes to prove that that truck's more important to you than I am. ROSY Revrend Pat, uh, uh, Revrend Pat. I, uh, Revrend--oh, oh-- (SHE runs away from him around the desk) Now les' not get carried away. REVEREND PAT I can't help but get carried away by you Miss Rosy. It is your intoxicating religious purity which has cast a spell on me. I am as David was for Bathsheba. ROSY Bathsheba? REVEREND PAT It came to pass in an eveningtide, that I, like David arose from off my bed, and walked upon the roof of the kings house: and from the roof I saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon. ROSY What roof would-would this be? (REVEREND PAT continues to mall her) GREELEY Okay, listen...I was backed into a corner. What was I supposed ta do? I ain't made of money! I thought you was marrying me for me. Greeley. I am Greeley, and I ain't no other. TAMMIE Well, if you was backed into a corner, you have tuh back into a corner over't the Seven Eleven? GREELEY It is a sad day in Texas when idle gossip mongers ruin a promising future of rosy, marital bliss. ROSY I'm not sure if this is right, Revrend Pat. You're wife... REVEREND PAT (With utmost sincerity) Rosy, Rosy, you have stoked the fire of my religious fervor. I am a man who is ensnared in a trap. When I see you before my glorious organ, magically stroking those keys, shooting ethereal melodies through those rigid pipes, I feel as if I could reach out and touch the cloak of God. Yet it says in the book of James, "Let no man say when he is tempted, 'I am tempted of God': for God cannot tempt he any man." Yet there you are, Sweet Virgin, torturously dangled before me every Sunday. I say to myself, "This divine creature can only be put here by God and no one else." I am in agony. ROSY Agony? REVEREND PAT Agony. "Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?" Ah, too late. Too late. ROSY But it's not too late...we haven't done anything, Revrend Pat. REVEREND PAT Oh, my sweet, sweet girl, "whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." (ROSY ponders this one for a moment) TAMMIE Okay, Greeley, I am a Christian, and as such I can forgive. GREELEY Oh, thank you, Tammie. That's mighty white-uh you. ROSY So even without even doing anything-- REVEREND PAT --we are already steeped in sin. TAMMIE But just because I forgive, don't mean I forget. And there will be a task for you--a penance. GREELEY A--a--say what? TAMMIE Somethin' you gotta do ta prove ta me where your loyalties lie. ROSY I think of you too, Revrend Pat. REVEREND PAT Poor, sweet dear. ROSY I thought they were just thoughts-- REVEREND PAT --if only they were. GREELEY What're we talkin' about here? TAMMIE You gotta give me your truck this weekend. GREELEY My truck! Why would I give you my truck? TAMMIE Cuz' I wanna drive it in the Pecan Parade. ROSY The thoughts are already sins. What can we do? REVEREND PAT Luckily we are blessed. ROSY We are? (REVEREND PAT crosses to get his bible) GREELEY Tammie, Tammie, you know the Greeley truck creed: "Nobody but the Greeley drives the truck." TAMMIE Nobody? GREELEY I'm surprised at you, Tammie. You know my truck creed. TAMMIE I know, but I thought maybe you might make an exception sometime...like there might be special extenuatin' circumstances when you might break your truck creed. GREELEY A creed is a creed, Tammie. TAMMIE Like maybe you might like some girl so much you say, "to hell with the creed, I just wanna get laid." (GREELEY looks shocked) REVEREND PAT We are blessed, Miss Rosy. We who are "the children of disobedience...in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind....But God, who is rich in mercy, even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ...it is the gift of God." ROSY Praise the Lord. (THEY start making out) GREELEY Tammie, we have never had sex in the whole two years we've known each other even though I have begged you repeatedly. TAMMIE I'm just speaking like a hypothetical. Would you ever let anybody else drive for that reason? GREELEY Are we talkin' about foolin' around? This weekend, you say? REVEREND PAT How about a swim in the baptistry, Miss Rosy? ROSY Are you sure? REVEREND PAT We have already sinned in our hearts, Miss Rosy. We might as well enjoy it. (THEY exit into the baptistry, losing a few garments as THEY go) TAMMIE How about besides me? GREELEY What? TAMMIE How about sex with someone else? GREELEY Well, you lost me. I thought I was with ya, but-- TAMMIE Like say, Cynthia Morales. GREELEY Cynthia Morales. I don't believe I know any Cynthia Morales. TAMMIE That's not what I heard. GREELEY Who's she sposed to be? TAMMIE Some slut who drove your truck, I heard. GREELEY Drove my--! Now somebody's been tellin' you tall tales, honey pie. You know my creed. My truck creed! Thas just horse pooky. TAMMIE You had better be tellin' me the truth, Greeley. GREELEY Tammie, puh-lease. TAMMIE You think yer the only fish in the sea? You think yer the only man interested in me? GREELEY (After a brief thought) Yeah. TAMMIE Well, that just ain't true. There are plenty of men interested in me. GREELEY Like who? TAMMIE Ed. (GREELEY can't help but chuckle at the improbably match) TAMMIE (CONTINUED) Thas right...laugh. Jes' laugh. You'll see. (Lights fade to black) (END OF SCENE)
EXCERPT #3
SCENE 6 "THE FUTURE PECAN QUEEN" SETTING: Sunday, early afternoon. The bathroom of Priscilla Rottweiler. AT RISE: This is a relatively quick change for Actor R. PRISCILLA (Actor R) is looking at herself in the mirror. PRISCILLA (Presenting a delicate, thoughtful address) Thank you. Thank you, one and all. I'd like to thank the members of the selection committee for this great honor. I am sure it could not have been an easy decision considering all of the intelligent, beautiful contenders for the crown-- (As SHE nods to each of the losers) --Tawnya Blackhorn, DeAndra Loogan, Cynthia Morales. Wonderful, wonderful competitors all. I pledge that I will wear the crown of Pecan Queen with pride and distinction for the year to come. No thank you speech would be complete without thanking my dear, dear family--my baby brother, Deke, my father, head engineer of Structural Metals, Inc.-- (Waving to Daddy) --hi, Daddy. And lastly, but certainly not leastly, my mother, who, by example, has taught me the true meaning of womanhood-- (Priscilla's mother, MRS. ROTTWEILER--Actor T--knocks on the bathroom door. Her voice is muffled) MRS. ROTTWEILER (O.S.) Priscilla? Priscilla dear-- PRISCILLA (Her polite demeanor becoming absolutely Satanic) WHAAAAAAAT! I'm practicing my speech for Christsake! MRS. ROTTWEILER (O.S.) Supper's ready, honey. PRISCILLA Oh, for the love of God, Mother, just start without me! MRS. ROTTWEILER (O.S.) I fixed that low fat meatloaf just like you wanted. PRISCILLA I'm in the middle of my speech! I'll be down in a minute! Comprende inglese? MRS. ROTTWEILER Okie dokie, honey. (PRISCILLA lets loose a huge, painful sigh, as SHE tries to recompose that sweet, dutiful demeanor) PRISCILLA Hi, Daddy. Hi, Daddy. (SHE can't quite remember what comes next, so SHE takes a deep breath, and until it comes to her) Hi, Daddy. And lastly, but certainly not leastly, my mother, who by example has taught me the true meaning of womanhood. Je t'aime, ma mere. I think it was that wise philosopher, Camus, who said, "This is the dog's dick." (Beat) Oh, my. Did I just say, "dick"? Mercy me. I have just said "dick" and turned you all into horny toads. Dick, dick, dick. Dog's dick. (Like SHE is doing a newsflash) "Pecan Queen shocks the world--says 'dick' in front of an adoring crowd of onlookers." Now that I'm Pecan Queen, there are going to be a few changes around here. First of all, DeAndra Loogan, you will carry my train for the entire year- always following a respectful twenty-eight steps behind. I have a veeery long train. (PRISCILLA's little brother, DEKE--Actor G--knocks at the door) PRISCILLA WHAAAAAT? DEKE (O.S.) I gotta pee. PRISCILLA So go in a bottle, that's why you got that little wiener. DEKE (O.S.) It's supper anyway. PRISCILLA Leave me alone, you little retard. I'm practicing my speech. DEKE (O.S.) I gotta go. PRISCILLA Go--down--STAIRS!! Why do you think we have three bathrooms? DEKE (O.S.) Priss. PRISCILLA Geek! (Beat) Oh, oh, my dear fans! To subject you to such ugliness is such an unthinkable breech of etiquette. Where was I? Ah, yes, of course. This will be the year when the Pecan Queen makes a difference. This will be the year when the Pecan Queen takes some action--solves World Hunger. World Peace. And combats gaucherie in all its forms. This I promise. (PRISCILLA waves and nods to the masses in the mirror. Lights fade to black) (END OF SCENE)